Apparently Hawaii is safe?
Don’t even dare think about touching our boats!!
What… they DON’T wear shorts in winter in Florida??
“That still know the old ways”
A friend and I took an out-of-state friend to a bar and we ordered moonshine. My friend and I could not get over how wrong it felt to buy moonshine in a public place. With a permit.
I’m still surprised you can buy it legally.
That stuff’s for tourists. I haven’t drank a drop in 7 years and I can still get you a jar of real shine if you want.
That’s exactly what I’m trying to say! Absolutely baffling. We kept telling him we could get him some of the real deal but he is just so shockingly adverse to anything he thinks might be even a teensie bit less-than-legal and I still can’t understand how I became friends with someone like him.
That ain’t moonshine.
Moonshine is what you get from a shady hillbilly type off the side of a dirt road sitting in a shack with two shotguns on a wall. You ask him if he got any and he says something like “not fur free” with an almost toothless smile. He’s got horrible hair a stringy beard, and you get the sense he’s the kind of guy who don’t wash his hands a lot.
You give him the money first, then he takes a shotgun and walks behind the shack. He hands you the two gallons you bought, one in one of those plastic gallon jugs you get milk in and the other a weird looking metal pot that doesn’t look close to a gallon but you realize it’s probably best not to argue with this guy.
He pulls out a metal cup and another jug (that he left behind under the table he was at to get your stuff) and says “firs ones on me” pours you some, and you better fucking take it.
Yeah, there’s a real risk that this stuff might have less safe alcohols in it, but these guys don’t wanna die so it’s usually safe so you take the swig and regret everything that lead you up to this point as you cough down the highest proof corn and something else liquor you’ve ever had.
You politely tell him thank you and he gives you that grotesque smile as you drive away.
Why you doing things the hard way? Guy I buy from is an old family friend and he’ll meet you in a parking lot somewhere or you can ask to swing by his house.
No that’s the correct way to do it.
The way I described it is the “yeah you can literally do this lol” way
Your guys doesn set a cap of it alight to prove it is the right kind of alcohol?
Your shine guy sucks, mine is redneck hot and sells apple shine in glass bottles.
Ha which this reminds me of a story my dad told us when we asked if there was a shortcut through where we were going in the Ozarks. It was a time before phones.
“Peopleproblems, you don’t take shortcuts around here. You stick to the main roads, follow the signs, and make darn sure you have a map. When I was in college, engaged to your mom, we were on our way back from doxable university and we decided to do that, cause my friend (has a name), said he knew of one. We went with it - we came up to a stop sign, and this old beat up truck pulled up next to us. A short ugly looking thin as bones guy with a beard and no hair, with his unfortunately worse looking daughter. He gets out of the truck after he places his shot gun on the dashboard drunkenly steps on over to us and says ‘One o’ yee need to murry my daughter. She ain’t purty but she cook and clean real good. I don care wheech one o’ y’all does, but we got e’rything ready. Jus follow us on down ‘ere.’ My friend says something stupid, I can’t remember what, but his response was what I won’t forget: ‘I ain’t given yee a choice.’ As he heads back to the truck my friend just says ‘Gun it!’ and the little Gremlin I was in worked the hardest it ever had. Once we got back on the highway there was a mix of laughing and crying as we were facing a real shotgun wedding.”
We were young at the time, so he left the sad part out. Around there incest/rape was a known thing, and she had probably gotten pregnant. He was likely trying to find someone to marry her so he didn’t get the blame, she didn’t get the problems associated with being a single pregnant mother in hillbilly land, and the whole problem is solved. And he’d do it at gun point if he had to.
Ahhh moonshine. Used to know a southern guy, who wanting to get wrecked at parties but being broke, would buy gallon jugs of the stuff from “a guy I know”. Which clearly was pretty potent - once poured into a foam cup over some ice, it would dissolve out the whole bottom of the foam cup before he could put the mixer in.
The “solution” was to put the Mountain Dew in first, so the shine is diluted enough to keep the cup’s integrity while he drank it… I outta check up on him, see how he’s doin’
I never tried putting it in a foam cup! Good on him for the Mountain Dew. I don’t drink the stuff but that’s historically what it was made for- as a mixer for moonshine.
Today I Learned that Mountain Dew was meant to be mixed with whiskey, which apparently tastes kinda like a whiskey sour?
Thanks for the cool history drop friend!
Yep - the dissolving foam means it’s just the right amount of solvent.
My dad would joke that it’s the same stuff you clean paint brushes brushes with. Might not be too far off.
To be fair, the term “moonshine” nowadays doesn’t exclusively refer to illegally produced liquor and is often used to describe non-barrel-aged whiskey made from corn.
I have a feeling that they may mean real moonshine, not the stuff listed as moonshine in stores. Although it may not be considered “in public” I know a guy here that just left flyers at a local bar for his moonshine and would come by a few times a week and everyone knew which nights they’d be around. He’d reuse gallon jugs that used to have water, or those cheap punches you’d buy in stores. Most people would by a pint or quart though. He’d flavor some, but getting a gallon of it plain just basically tastes like slightly off grain alcohol.
At the end of the day, whatever was getting sucked out of the plastic bottle into the alcohol was likely just as bad for us as the alcohol itself.
I stopped going to bars, and cut back drinking by a long shot, but I’m sure if he’s not around still someone likely took his place.
Lol, I do wear shorts in winter. We have a lot of guns up here too. Probably more guns than people.
Bueno chicos, nos quedamos con Oregon. Ya escucharon!
Minnesota is also missing the “wears shorts in winter” tag.
Happens all the time in negative degree weather.
it hits -30f, you put on the shorts, the light hoodie, and you go out and get milkshakes.
Hasn’t stopped us before!
Milkshakes in negative temps hit different.
hit better.
Fuckin delicious.
That tag could probably be on the entirety of the North. From Michigan
Yeah that’s fair, just pepper that tag across the top.
Texas should just say “Guns”.
North Dakota should probably be “no civilization, no resources, and no warmth.”
ND has oil and nukes.
And about 13 guns per person, although admittedly the people are scattered far and wide
Does it really have oil?
And I know it’s got a fuckton of missile silos but I imagine in an invasion they aren’t terribly useful. I guess maybe an after you take complete control then it is
It has a lot of oil sands.
You could just write “Fargo” over ND to get the point across.
Hey now, we have some resources. Like… uh… hotdish?
Why are you walking away, weren’t you invading?
Y’all grow a mean sugarbeet
Don’t you guys have a fire cavern? That has to produce some warmth.
No, that would require a cave, which implies the existence of interesting geological features.
Which are reserved for South Dakota and Montana.
North Dakota explicitly gets nothing. I’m pretty sure it’s in the constitution.
And it’s tatertot hot dish!
Can imagine the delaying tactics that a classic Minnesotan long goodbye would cause to an invading military? You could cause delays of up to several hours just saying goodbye!
I’ll start a few more wars, then.
Red hotdish or white hotdish?
Does corn belong in hotdish?
Do the tots go on the bottom or on the top?
Anything but plain cream of mushroom soup is a vile heathen concoction.
Corn or string-beans are fine. Anything else is sacrilege.
You put those tater tots ANYWHERE but in top, I will personally drive to your house and stare at you with passive/aggressive looks while I call your Mother!
You would love my Mom’s hotdish and revile my aunt’s hotdish.
It’s possible! But I would eat your Aunt’s hotdish in silence and using my passive/aggressive look while consuming it.
I don’t know what this means.
Yes.
Yes. Alternatively, why not both, at the same time.
Red hotdish is tomato-based, white hotdish is “cream of <whatever> (usually mushroom)”-based.
The main reason you shouldn’t invade is that almost all of these people own guns.
yea your gun will stop a fucking direct energy weapon liquefying the ground in a mile radius
Jewish Space Lasers are so 2021, get a new conspiracy theory bro
guns
It’s almost 2025. You might as well count on your halberds and moats to keep you safe.
This reminds me, I should buy a moat…
Yee fuckin’ haw.
Here’s a cleaned up copy
One small fix
What’s the context for the Nazis in the northwest?
Idaho is also being taken over by gun nuts and crazy right wing fascists.
There are a lot of right-wing militias there. Oregon was basically settled for racist white people. Outside the major cities, the Pacific NW has a lot of fascists.
Oregon is unique in that early on they were anti-slavery because they were so racist that they didn’t want black people in the state even as slaves.
Ah, so theres some real-world reason the movie Green Room is set in Oregon? Interesting!
There is a second contingent of people who wear shorts in the winter in between the corn maze and the Mormons. The ones that who don’t own guns still know how to swing a bike lock.
The Pacific Northwest would be horrible to invade. Even if the people don’t offer much resistance trying to get through the Rocky Mountains would be disastrous. But they actually have militias out there too.
Surprised Hawaii doesn’t just say “Ask Japan how it went”
I mean… The Hawaii part went pretty well for them. It was the rest of it afterwards where things went south.
Nah. The Pearl Harbor raid didn’t achieve its actual objective, sinking the carriers, and some of the battleships they sunk were even refloated.
https://www.historyhit.com/attack-pearl-harbour/
It’s kind of light on details but the carriers are the important bit because their goal was to hit the Pacific Fleet hard enough that America just wouldn’t bother fighting for its Pacific colonies, Japanese leadership was very much aware it couldn’t win an actual war, especially after they’d already lost two million soldiers massacring their way into a stalemate in China.
