This is really a monumental societal change.
3rd spaces are nearly completely destroyed, and online seems to be the main option for ppl now.
I feel the online one needs to be split to online dating and online - other. I think there’s a difference between say we met on dating app, we were involved in a niche interest on a forum and then met at an event or something like that, or we were twitter/bluesky mutuals who chatted for years etc
i really dont know if i should do online dating, like i mean i kind of want to meet someone and this is how to do it appearently, but also i rather would meet someone by chance and get to know them over time… And like furthermore everytime i try these apps, it ends up with me beeing obsessed just about the matches itself, feeling either good or bad, and no intrest to actually chat with people since like it feels a bit forced and like i dont know, it is automatically like multiple chats, since mostly likely some dont respond and this for example already feels weird and then it is more like just chatting with someone than chatting with a specific person if that makes sense… and like it does not feel like fun or anything to talk with multiple people basically about the same stuff and so on… i hope someone understands what i mean
i dont really spend much time on dating apps and last time was years ago to be fair tho
Would be interesting to see how these compare to the number of people who’s given up on meeting an SO and/or doesn’t have the time/energy to.
I’ve def met a few people like this. They have a few terrible dates on these sites, and it just stresses them out too much to even try again. Its really sad.
i’m sort of like this and i don’t see it as sad.
i was “married” (in quotes because it was illegal for me to be married at the time) and both internal and external stressors taught me that i got less significantly fulfillment out of the efforts & sacrifices necessary to maintain that long term relationship than i do now that i’ve been single for the last decade+; so i stopped stressing myself with the belief that i need to be partnered.
it’s definitely sad if you get more out of being partnered than single, but i suspect that it’s not true of a significantly large number of people and that most are just taught to believe that they should be partnered and that, in turn, causes people to lament lacking partnership out of ignorance that they don’t really need it.
10 years of online dating, 6 dates out of it. As a well below average guy I just gave up
“a well below average guy” i think stuff like this is just made up, i dont believe in ratings and i dont think others should either tbh
Idk comparisons are a thing that can be done and I’m objectively worse than most people in most categories (looks, intelligence, earning potential, education, interests, etc…) so I consider myself “well below average” especially since choosing a person to potentially date does involve comparing them to your other “options.”
since choosing a person to potentially date does involve comparing them to your other “options.”
i mean if you choose a partner like you would choose a car, then i guess it is like this
or actually even then it is not like this, like there is nothing objective for most categories.
like you list interests as below average, what is this even supposed to mean lmao or intelligence like how would you even know that and for earning potential, there are like a lot more poor people than rich, beeing poor is the normal one lol
even for education, like people can still know dtuff even if they dont go to university… Or know nothing if they went
what i am saying is this sounds more like you just beeing unhappy with yourself if anything. Or if you are happy, then you are probably just not a good match anyway for someone that is like looking for a car.
(Not OP)
I do get both your standpoints, its all subjective of course, so you can’t really be below average in interests or something like that, but you can definitely be below average in terms of commonalities with other people.I don’t know OP so I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or is indeed just unhappy with himself. But if your hobby is watching VR MyLittlePony porn you’re going to have a tougher time than if your hobby is cooking.
Same for weight, if you’re 200kg it’s going to be harder, especially on dating apps.
Money and intelligence I’m not so sure about, that probably matters less than he might think
I also believe in a classless society.
Are you actually a below average guy, or do you just have below average pictures?
Good “candid”/fun/funny photos are huge for dating apps.
I’m below average in most ways not just as far as attraction goes, but yeah my photos are never that great because I’m not attractive at all. I have had candid ones and funny ones, but I never got much traction. I live in an overpopulated area so this buffet table is brimming with options. I’m just that odd pizza at the Chinese buffet where you wonder why it’s being served lol
idk about him but there has been roughly one photo taken of me in the last decade and it’s on my ID
Pro gamer move: don’t use your license photo for online dating. Unless it’s really funny then maybe.
Yeah honestly it sucks getting into it, but it’s a lot easier when you can recruit someone for help.
literally don’t know anybody in town, haven’t seen anyone else wear a mask in two years.
🤚
I’ve met a disturbing number of young people who haven’t given up on dating per se, but make zero apparent effort in it.
I mean like, never talk about anything but work or family.
I think this is actually good in that the online space lets us have access to more options and let folks find partners that are well suited to their idiosyncracies
What’s bad about it I think is the fact that capitalists are involved extracting value. But essentially we have inserted control and intentionality into a process that previously was more or less random. The wisdom really did used to be, just wait for it, it will happen when you least expect it. Well, not for everyone!
I think this is actually good in that the online space lets us have access to more options and let folks find partners that are well suited to their idiosyncracies
0 > 0?
Did you live pre-internet?
It was way worse in my experience.
I dated only without internet ; online hookups is just so… not me
i had one LTR before online dating and none since. it’s a desolate wasteland out here
I had three relationships in grade school and currently one online LDR.
I had another LDR, but she cheated on me, wanted me back after her failed marriage, but I declined.My experience was that in high school,
I could not even have a chat with a girl
without being thrown accusations or gossip.
And in college all the young women seemed to be taken.That’s still the case in the online world but you can at least chat a bit with them once in a while.
I’m going to start dating again sometime soon, so this is something I’ve been thinking about a lot.
I hate that if I go on an app and make a contact, the ostensible purpose will be to date. When that’s the purpose, at some point an evaluation will have to be made. Either that purpose is met or it isn’t. You could have a conversation about being friends or considering your options, but I’m sure starting that conversation feels awkward and hurtful. It would feel like downgrading them from the original intent behind meeting.
Not starting that conversation could be delaying the dreams of two people though, so there would be a time crunch to make a decision before I might be ready. It feels like this will inevitably end up with throwing aside people who could be great to have as friends.
A connection shouldn’t be a decision, it should be something that happens. I’d rather just hang out with someone with the expectation that we’re hoping to be friends, and if there is a connection we’ll see it in each other sooner or later. Unfortunately for me, striking up conversations with single women to be friends with while having the thought of going further in the back of my mind might as well be the definition of creeper behavior.
Here is some friendly advice from someone who online dated since the beginning (and I mean starting using online personal ads with eloquent long-form stories on Craigslist of all places, which would look like AI with more personality wrote it given how long): don’t do it.
You are aware of the basics with the toxic pattern of online dating. The other elements are more insidious. But all of that aside, the biggest problem is nobody really says who they are and nobody really understands what they want.
The only real option is to live in a way that makes you happy, with no expectation of anyone joining you. In the course of ACTION, you may meet someone taking the same action, and that is a bond that cannot easily be forged online.
If you want a real connection, live in a real way. Do the things you dreamed of but never dared. Take risks living the way YOU want, not the way you’ve been taught. The closer you come to living how you truly want, the closer you will come to Someone living the same way. You can never meet them as long as you live someone else’s life.
When you give so much thought and attention to dating, you will find others giving so much thought and attention to dating. That is a consuming identity. Consider what it means.
- emotional states tied to someone else
- mind always on feeling good based on finding the right person
- calibrated to “the search”
- believes in a companionship as the saving grace, the thing missing
- my person isn’t making me feel good, so I need to find a person that does, good thing I can passively browse online, no harm in that…
…and so on. Online dating as it is now is an addiction and a disease. You might be able to have (bad) sex on it, and you might be able to learn more about yourself and random people you’d never otherwise cross paths with, but for the most part, it is nearly impossible to meet an ideal match.
The top 10% of men “get” the top 50% of women online. The top 50% of women all compete over (and mostly share) the top 10%, thinking they deserve more. The curve is exponential so the numbers at the 1% are insane. And what does “top” even mean?
People look enviously at the “top”. But they shouldn’t. Sure, they’re banging “hot people” all the time along with spreading their hot diseases, but that is where the depth of connection ends. Many of them evolve into SNAGs (spiritual new age guys) for this reason. They are trapped in a cycle of being on top, never exploring other options because they are receiving everything society has deemed as the purpose of it. Yet inside, they rot away, more alone than anyone. There was a person in them once. A child with dreams. Now there is a dark empty void that keeps growing.
Anyway, this hellish online landscape doesn’t have to be this way. If the systems were designed right and culture evolved, it could be extremely possible and downright prudent to find healthy connections. It would operate passively and automatically and we would organically encounter amazing matches. But right now, online dating is captured by greedy corporate interests and is a toxic wasteland to keep you addicted and longing, desperate, and hungry.
This is true for man or woman. Men are turned into ravenous & desperate worms that gyrate at the slightest possibility. Women are turned into tyrant queens believing they are laced in gold with infinite options, yet all the options are diseased maggots living as a shadow of their being. Both create a desperately alone populace longing for something more, and they don’t even know what that “more” is.
It’s the real you dude. Go take a hike, hug a tree, focus on hobbies, and stop chasing broken dreams. Real people aren’t drawn to longing. They’re drawn to living.
The reason I’m inclined to turn to online dating is because the real me is someone whose dream life would be spending most of his days sitting around with a good friend playing with cats. It’s not like I have no solo interests at all, they’re just not ones that can invite a connection by doing them in public. Sometimes I read math, I have papers on the arXiv on category theory and categorical homotopy theory, but I’m out of academia right now so that’s not a way to connect with real people.
I absolutely love talking to people and forming connections, but just with one other person at a time, otherwise I get behind the conversation and go into deep introversion. I like getting to listen to someone tell their stories and talk about themselves. One of my favorite activities is reading books out loud with a friend. I don’t know how to go out into the real world and just do that with one other person. Online I can, and have made some wonderful connections. It’s just that dating apps specifically look like a nightmare.
If I were really into hiking or whatever I would be all about living that out. Unfortunately, the person I am is someone who would be doing activities as a means to socialize, rather than the other way around. Doing those things would very much not be the real me. It’s not easy to live a solitary life for an extended period and not dream about more, and those dreams start to feel like an ulterior motive if I’m seeking out new connections.
I don’t think at all about what “top” should mean in a dating pool, it hadn’t even crossed my mind, so I’m not sure why you’re bringing that up. I don’t care about whether I find someone in a top percentile of anything, I just want to find someone who is empathetic and who I connect with.
I brought up the top percentile to further illustrate how broken the mindset and mechanics of online dating are.
I hear you. All the things you said are possible by taking a hike. That’s why I suggested taking it. We all come from nature, and we are all connected to it. It is an easy hobby to have. You pick a beautiful place, and you walk in it. It is important to do it alone or with friends you have no romantic interest in. It has countless mental health and physical fitness benefits, so it serves functional purposes in addition.
I don’t know how to explain this without sounding crazy. The Earth is alive and conscious. The Earth is most definitely a “she” and she is a higher order intelligence than us. She is the first mother on this planet. None of this matters because the logic holds whether or not you believe me.
Nature is capable of replacing the longing for human companionship. It is full and it is complete. It provides the thing that feels like it’s missing in every relationship I’ve had. When you connect with her, you connect with something much larger than any one person can bring.
But what’s more, she is connected to everyone. In other words…Earth is the ultimate matchmaker. It is a strange contradiction. You spend time with nature, and that time becomes a pure pursuit where you eventually do it because you love the Earth. Then, and I absolutely promise this with certainty, the Earth will connect you with people that you’ve been looking for.
Among those connections is a special person you will want to meet.
I predict that we’ll see a lot of people giving up on human relationship altogether with the advent of horny AI chatbots.
I’m married and almost ready to give up on human relationships outside of my partner and mom lol. Not really, but shit’s bleak even outside of dating…
The US is a giant experiment on just how atomized a human society can get before collapsing.
This is the most upsetting graph ive seen in many years… and this is why so many people are single. Its the reason I am single. I absolutely abhor “online dating”. The couple times I did try it it was regrettable, and I dont want to do that again. Lord, help me find a suitable wife.
Yeah those apps are predatory. Good call.
I’m praying for you there, friend. This is really sad seeing what’s happening to human relationships. It’s very INhuman.
The best thing you can do is be your best, genuine self, and go engage in what’s left that other people do together. Meetups, volunteering, interests, hobbies, social book clubs, whatever.
Don’t think about “dating” like “trying to score a wife.” Be your very best self and find a person with a mutual interest in being very best friends forever with you, and then see if romance can bloom from there.
An innocent shared coffee laughing about favorite movies is WAY less pressure than some formal “date” where two strangers dance around awkwardly feeling each other out for “flags” and sidestepping “deal breakers”.
That’s my 2¢ anyway. I hope you find genuine connection. :)
Love it! Thanks for helping me be positive :).
Ive been very unstressed about find a wife my whole life, but I am 41 now and I think I need to put a little pressure on myself. :)
Maybe by thinking of women as people and not wives? Hooking up & hanging out with people until one sticks has been the only way for me. Though to be fair the only two really good jobs I’ve had were temp to perm too.
Approach it like fun, see what happens.
Maybe by thinking of women as people and not wives?
Lol omg… this is priceless. Hypersensitivity is what this is. Somehow you have assumed “wife” to be offensive?
You have to be a young guy trying to white night this crap like this. I blame the public school system…
Sorry…
I am a woman, a mom, a wife, and certainly not young. But you can’t just go around trying to immediately wife people. You have to meet as individuals and see how it goes, and it’s husband and wife, not “find me a wife” or “find me a husband”. You can’t know that until you know the person as a person.
(And by all means, continue blaming factors other than yourself, when the only one you actually have some control over is yourself.)
Im sorry, I didn’t mean to be a rude ass hat. First, who hurt you? You’re making a whole mess load of assumptions. Im not blaming any other factors, again, I just haven’t felt any pressure to get married really, so far. Im not “immediately trying to wife” anyone… save your lecture for someone that might need it, and stop assuming crap.
It was just the “send me a suitable wife” comment, and your post history, my sincere apologies if somehow I have misconstrued all of that.
Neighbors is an interesting metric. Holding steady and now beating collage.
If neighbors means “near the parents home”, then it makes sense. Many go to colleges in different cities, then don’t stay, and lose touch with their college social circles, but the families near your parents home keep a consistent connection.
Wow… what’s wild to me about this is around the time where “Through friends” and “Online” cross is when I was having a shit time with the dating sites of the time and my best friend introduced me to my partner. I guess I lucked out a bit there.
Side note, I’d be curious to see how this looks now, if there has been any rebound in post lock down times.
Only goes to 2020. I think that after 2020, the online dating scene has seen a pretty sizeable decline.
I assumed the same thing and searched for a updated version of the study. I found this video showing the results up to 2024, contradicting this assumption.
Thats good news, but now I go to find newer stats.
No… no newer stats.
Online was good before every dating app became Tinder
Capitalist entshitiffication strikes again. The profit motive demands it
Fediverse Tinder where?
“my instance defederated from the baddies”
-a future sentence to be uttered
NSFW
8=====>
Sir, this is a Christian server.
Remove this filth immediately.
Put that in my server. ;-)
Why is it a blue whale?
Well, I heard a big goal of every app these days is to get whales… Maybe this is what they meant? O.o (/jk)
Looks like a whale, mouth on the left
