I just got out of a 10+ year relationship a couple months ago, rather suddenly and not of my own volition. I do not fault my former partner, she did what she felt she had to do to be happy. Unfortunately, turns out, I didn’t really have any friends of my own, I was just a hanger-on to her group. I have done a bad job of keeping in touch with anyone outside of this group, and I find myself very lonely nowadays.
Things have been tough for me for this and several other reasons the last couple years, and while I am incredibly thankful for my family taking me back in and supporting me while I get back on my feet, they can’t be the only people I interact with. That said, how does one actually accomplish this? I’m pushing 40, I live in a rural area (30 minute drive to anything that isn’t run and populated by out-and-out racists), and I’m broke as hell. I’m not particularly even interested in dating, just making some new friends and not being so lonely all the time. Where can you go and what can you do nowadays that doesn’t cost a bunch of money and people are willing to talk to strangers? Internet or IRL, I suppose, but IRL is better because God I need to get out of the house more.
Gym, especially things with group classes are great because even if the meeting other people part doesnt work you still get something out of it.
Usually the best way to find new people is to get into an activity or hobby. Use meetup, or Facebook events, or other local event coordinating services to find activities or events you’re interested, go and chat with people, and if you hit it off with people after a few times seeing them, try to make a connection individually outside the group, like meeting up for coffee or a beer, etc.
The hard thing you’ll find as you age though, is there’s a finite amount of social attention people have with their lives, and as people age and establish their groups of friends, sometimes its hard to break into their circles as they’ve already kinda maxed out their in life social network. Sometimes they either aren’t really looking to add more friends, and include more people in their life, or just don’t think to invite you to events etc. Breaking though that, or finding people open to adding more to their social networks, can be hard as you age.
There’s no meetup group for smoking weed and going back to sleep unfortunately. I already checked.
Depends where you live! There’s weekly/monthly cannabis events where I’m at. I’ve made some great friends at them!
My dude, you can always start. I guarantee there’s a group out there for you.
There definitely is.
Well then how the hell did they get in my room?
In my day those were called Metal concerts
Step 1 - Move to Cleveland.
That’s it. There is no step 2. Everytime I leave the house, all I hear is “Oh, hey! I like your jacket!” Or “Heeeey, you know what time it is!!!” (as said as I’m carrying a 24 pack).
Or “Whats goin’ on my brotha from anotha motha???”
I’m not particularly social, so I just fake my way through these interactions. But it’s my understanding that 260K people (or whatever Cleveland has) are all one big social group, and we all go out drinking every day.
Except I don’t really like being around strangers. So I just power through and get home quickly. But I’m sure you could have a 2 hour talk with any rando on the street.
short question - do you mean Cleveland, OH, or Cleveland, TN, or Cleveland, TX, or Cleveland, GA?
Yes.
Cleveland is actually located in a pocket dimension. Ohio, Tennessee, Texas, and Georgia (US) have portals into the Cleveland dimension.
Fun fact: Cleveland is named so because a wizard cleaved a rift in space-time and built a city inside the cleave.
Sounds nice actually. Everyone here stays inside because it is hot right now.
Currently 72F. Scattered clouds, but it’s not going to rain today.
I work from home, made a discord for other people that work from home, posted it on reddit in the town I live in, and ended up making friends that way.
Unfortunately, you have to go out of your way to make friends the older you get. But I don’t think it’s an insurmountable obstacle. Just gotta find people who share common interests.
Do things you actually enjoy doing, the friends and other things will come naturally. Don’t do things to try and make friends. Do things you like and the friends will come to you. No matter where you live you can find something you enjoy doing
I went through the same thing after a 22 year marriage. Disc golf got me out doing something and I have met an awesome group of friends. So find a hobby and go from there.
Organized hobbies have been the key for me. Gives me a place to go, forces me to be minimally social, but can allow for multiple events so the pressure is reduced to make the most of every outing. Plus you have something else you’re enjoying. Everyone’s recommendations of sports or gaming falls right in line with this. But I have other hobbies I love like woodworking that I can find places to take classes and meet people. The other benefit is the more you do it the more you get used to be out among people again and it can be less awkward/anxiety inducing.
I’ve had a lot of luck joining a run club, but there are other activity based clubs. The trick to these though is that you need to keep going to them for a while before you really start becoming friends with people.
What’s really worked for me was working as a snowboard instructor on the weekend. I’m not saying do that specifically, but finding a second job based around teaching is an amazing way to meet other people who like meeting new people and being nice and sharing their skills and experiences. I should specify, the people I meet are other instructors. I’ve also met some people at events, like when I got my avalanche rec 1 cert.
- Help coach a kid’s sports league.
- Volunteer at the local library or senior home.
- Help clean roads / rivers / environment.
- Learn mixology and become a bartender at a local hangout.
- Pick up exercise/sports and look for others into it. Baseball, bowling, running, hunting, hiking, biking, flag football, etc.
- Tutor ESL.
There are lots of ways to connect with others without having to spend a lot of money. As long as you go in without an expectation of a specific outcome. Just go with the flow, be open to new experiences, and see what happens.
Look up local mutual aid groups 🤘
Aside from some of the other things people have already mentioned, going to or volunteering for various festivals and conventions can be a great way to meet random people and get out of the house. If you’re volunteering you’re more likely to end up meeting more local-ish people (like from whatever nearest Metro area the event is occurring in since you said you’re super rural).
Even if you don’t meet any cool new friends you want to stay in touch with, they can be a ton of fun and are a great reason to get out of the house. I’ve ended up having some really amazing experiences that I absolutely never thought possible just because I got out and went to Conventions (mostly anime or game conventions for me, but there are all kinds).
All right, this is gonna sound absurd maybe, but it works. Act like you lost something and ask people nearby if they can help you find it -contact lense, key, library card, etc, then strike up a conversation while they help you look. If they are rude then it’s not a person you was to be friends with. You might want to drop something so you aren’t meeting them on a full lie.
A friendship built on a foundation of egocentric manipulation? No thank you.
I just got out of a 10+ year relationship a couple months ago, rather suddenly and not of my own volition.
How weird, I’m going through the same exact thing as you. In my case I do have a circle of independent friends, but I’ve had trouble going from “friends” to “close friends”. Honestly what I discovered was, that was my own doing. It’s really easy to keep things on the surface with people, and not tell them what you are really struggling with.
Over the past few months I made a commitment to start being more open with my friends, and it’s really opened my eyes to 1) how wonderful they are as people, and 2) how much people are willing to open up to you once you show them that you’re willing to be a “trusted person”.
Anyway this isn’t what you asked, the way I met them was always through hobbies (music, martial arts), or friends of friends. I know you mentioned money is tight, so a hiking group or book club might be examples. You already know this, but IRL always beats online, atleast for me. Something about seeing other humans nourishes the soul in a way I can’t quite understand.
Hi, I’m not OP. I want to know, how do you become more open with people? I’m not asking you to spill your personal issues, rather, what sort of things you talk about that people consider “opening up”? I used to think I was open in general, but I’m starting to believe perhaps that’s not the case.
I started talking to them about my problems and feelings. I don’t talk about my problems with them for the sake of trying to workshop a solution, but rather to share that I’m going through a difficult time. Socially, atleast where I come from, this isn’t something that men normally do.
Let me put it to you this way. You can have a long, entertaining conversation about video games for a few hours with your friends. But at the end of the day when you come home, do you know more about them? I’d argue that you learned more about their thoughts, but you didn’t learn much about their feelings.
I slowly became aware of this fact, after a long time in therapy. A friend would ask, “how do you feel about the election?” And I would respond, “I think politician A is going to win because…”
This is no different than the video game conversation. Imagine if instead I had said “I feel a sense of dread about the upcoming election. I am scared that politican A is going to pass legislation that makes my life more difficult”.
That’s such an awkward thing to say for me, because I’m so uncomfortable talking about how I feel. But the recognition that the wall exists is the first step, and the second is choosing to lead your life differently.
Some of my conversations are “meta” with these friends: “Well, that was an interesting side tangent about steam engines. But I’ve been trying to make sure I check in with my friends more often about how they’re feeling. How are you feeling today?”
And yeah, my friends can sometimes also respond with their thoughts. So I just gently tug it along by then mentioning how I find their answer relatable, because I often respond with feel questions by stating my thoughts, but I am really interested in how they feel.
My friends are quite receptive to this. I get the feeling it’s because all people are craving more authentic connections, but are struggling with saying the vulnerable thing, and not wanting to look weak/stupid. I get it, because I’m the same way, but I’m looking to change that. If you can show them that you won’t judge, possibilities start to open.
That’s a really good explanation, it’s so simple yet I didn’t see it that way before. Thanks for the answer!
Pick any hobby that have group classes and show up consistently. Can be exercise, pottery or whatever. Regulars notice each other and you’ll be in the “regular” category very fast.
Then go for a beer on Fridays or after practice or whatever and then take it from there.
This sounds horrible to me, getting out there, interacting with strangers, but it is the truth. You can’t just “make friends”, or rather you can, but to “make” anything, a cake, a house, a friend, it takes time and effort.
That’s the beauty of it, you don’t have to interact with anyone and if you want to become anonymous again just pick another hobby. However, if you get interested and don’t want to quit the hobby you already have stuff to discuss that you’re interested in.
Dude just whip it out. Let it flap in the breeze.
