Lol you are projecting your authoritarian fantasies cause you were abused as a child? You want to feel like you can fight back & could have stopped it. Was it your parents that beat you or maybe an uncle took gratification in it? I’m sorry you were abused but it is no excuse for the wannabe violent fascist thug you’ve become. You’d get your ass beat again and have to go through the trauma again. I just don’t think you’d be able to handle it. You’re better off finding peace & love from within. It’s okay that you’re built smaller or weaker than others. You can find a hobby or job that brings you some joy.