I have a few.

One is abbreviation hell. Nobody is going to spend the time trying to decipher what you mean when you use over several abbreviations. It is just better if you’d explain than expecting people to understand aside from commonly used abbreviations that are easy to understand.

Another is overstepping your limits for the sake of getting a partner. Compromising your own standards is perhaps one of the worst things you can do when it comes to trying to find dates. Like you’re suddenly okay with dating single parents but you don’t like children. You’re suddenly okay with dating religious people but you’re not religious. Things like that. Because it means you’re desperate and you’re setting yourself up and setting them up for a bad date.

  • dohpaz42@lemmy.world
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    19 days ago

    Not sure whether it’s a mistake or not, but when I see people being so negative on their profile, I skip. It’s fine to announce your intentions (eg, looking forward a commitment, not looking for a situationship), but if your profile is mainly a list of don’t’s, then that to me screams you’ve still got issues to work through.

    Another one are the people who either don’t fill out a profile, or say something trite like “if you want to know, ask”. That makes me think you’re lazy, and expect the other person to do all the work. If you can’t be bothered even a little, then I can’t be bothered even a little.

  • captainlezbian@lemmy.world
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    17 days ago

    A friend commented on my wife and I’s attachment style the other day and yeah that’s a big one. I naturally have a disorganized (leaning anxious) attachment style and my wife naturally has an avoidant one. But from the beginning we did the work to reinforce secure attachment thought patterns in ourselves and it’s made a world of difference. So yeah, a lot of people could really use to work on their attachment style

  • randomcruft@lemmy.sdf.org
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    19 days ago

    Assuming that a profile is enough to understand someone. Sure, don’t waste time/drag out meeting someone but… actually talk (video chat) and ask questions before you move things along.

    Ask questions important to you and what you are looking for.

    • Serinus@lemmy.world
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      19 days ago

      Video chat? Wtf. Have people ever heard of coffee? Very public, fairly short, no commitment. You can even say the no commitment part up front. Just meet, don’t expect anything, and see how it goes.

      • dingus@lemmy.world
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        19 days ago

        I have a stupid question.

        How do people “see how it goes” and ever have a positive experience? For me, even if the person is friendly and funny, I am so uncomfortable that I never want to do it again. Literally no one has ever felt any different for me. Even if I gain some level of pleasantness and satisfaction from the interaction, it is incredibly mild and doesn’t ever make up for anything or make me wish to continue. I have tried seeing people repeatedly to no avail. The cost-benefit analysis never nets me out on top. I have always been a perpetual loner due in part to this. Does this mean I’m a psychopath or something? Because I cannot connect with and gain satisfaction from humans the way they seem to be able to with each other?

        • Serinus@lemmy.world
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          19 days ago

          That’s just being anti-social, usually from anxiety. If it’s something you’d like to change, it’s probably worth seeing a professional therapist.

          • dingus@lemmy.world
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            19 days ago

            I have seen quite a few of those because people say you’re supposed to keep looking if they aren’t helping you. I’ve spoken to maybe 5 different ones at this point. They never have much of substance to say but are very quick to deduct large amounts of money from my bank account. I don’t entirely understand what I am supposed to do to get something out of that. Not sure how many more I’m supposed to see or how much more thousands of dollars I’m supposed to spend before someone actually has any ideas of what to do beyond chatting with me and giving basic cookie cutter advice/platitudes.

            I’ve honestly had similar enough chats with ChatGPT for free.

            • NotMyOldRedditName@lemmy.world
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              19 days ago

              Have you tried a psychologist? They have a lot more experience than a counselor and might have a better chance, but it’ll cost more too. Also they can diagnose things which might make getting the right help easier if it’s something more than just social anxiety that’s getting missed.

              • datavoid@lemmy.ml
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                19 days ago

                Psychologists are better than counselors, but bear in mind there is a ton of variety in the quality of psychologists too.

                Also as someone with 3 psychologists in my family, I personally have them stereotyped as greedy, narcissistic opportunists. But again I’m probably biased…

        • captainlezbian@lemmy.world
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          17 days ago

          That sounds so atypical as to make me think it may be best to have a conversation with a mental health professional about.

          For me there’s an initial discomfort, but it’s the same discomfort I get when I’m exploring somewhere new. Its exciting and fun and I’m figuring out how I feel about this person/place. I get sad when I don’t experience it enough

          • dingus@lemmy.world
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            12 days ago

            I don’t get discomfort from excitement so I’m not sure what you mean. I’ve spoken to quite a few therapists at this point. None of them seem to be able to have anything worthwhile to say. ChatGPT would probably have more substance to say in response to things.

        • jjjalljs@ttrpg.network
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          18 days ago

          This does not sound like a very common experience.

          What is it that makes you uncomfortable? Is it all scenarios? Coffee date? Bar date?

          • dingus@lemmy.world
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            18 days ago

            I don’t know really. It’s mostly anything outside of certain scenarios. I am comfortable at work and with my parents. Anything else I am always uncomfortable. My discomfort can range from mild to severe depending on the scenario.

            • jjjalljs@ttrpg.network
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              18 days ago

              What is the discomfort? Are you afraid something will happen?

              You should probably talk to a professional about this. I am not a professional, alas.

          • dingus@lemmy.world
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            18 days ago

            Yes.

            But I do not experience it with my parents and I do not experience it at work.

      • randomcruft@lemmy.sdf.org
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        17 days ago

        You assume the people I meet are living within a distance that makes it easy to “just get coffee”. If I meet them on a forum, Discord group, online gaming, etc., and not a dating website or app, they probably won’t be close to me. That doesn’t negate the possibility of a dating / romantic relationship.

        Also, I personally wouldn’t meet someone without talking to them on the phone first (regardless of distance), so why wouldn’t I just video chat with them… FaceTime is just as easy as a phone call.

        If you meet someone online and immediately want to meet them in person for coffee, good for you. However don’t act like someone else’s approach is wrong… because you don’t agree.

  • halyk.the.red@lemmy.ml
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    19 days ago

    No idea. I always tell them how nice I am, I always hold the door for them, and I even shower before we meet up. I’ve even going so far as to pick them up at their houses, they never seem to appreciate it. Some have reacted quite unexpectedly, slamming the door and yelling about police. I’ve learned to never show initiative and learn their address beforehand, as the effort is never reciprocated. Maybe if I was some knuckledragging douchebag, I’d get some of the attention I deserve.

  • inb4_FoundTheVegan@lemmy.world
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    19 days ago

    aside from commonly used abbreviations that are easy to understand.

    Any abbreviations being sent are probably are easy to understand for the sender? Sounds like a generational difference more than anything.

  • tomsh@lemmy.world
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    19 days ago

    I don’t know why you think that religious and non-religious people can’t be together. That very attitude tells me that I would never want to go on a date with you. My wife and I have been in such a marriage for 15 years, we have two children, and it works just fine. In my opinion, the problem is the fanatics; they are the cancer of this world, and when I see that someone is a fanatic, it tells me to run away from them.

    • satans_methpipe@lemmy.world
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      19 days ago

      Fanatics lend legitimacy to fairweather supporters. Someone in your relationship is compromising their integrity. Is it you?

      • tomsh@lemmy.world
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        19 days ago

        Every relationship is a compromise. Family, friendship, romantic… Otherwise, you’re just a psychopath.

  • dukeofdummies@lemmy.world
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    19 days ago

    The biggest mistake I see is that people don’t ever mix with people anymore.

    Honestly the biggest single question I would ask if I wanted to bet how likely someone gets a partner would be “how often do you leave your house outside of work and grocery shopping” Do stuff. Dating apps try to bring single folk to you but you’ll have far more fun just… doing stuff. Doesn’t matter if you go alone or with a group, it’s usually more fun than just browsing the internet.

    Go to a car show, go to an anime/scifi/star trek/furry convention, go to a craft fair, go to a bar and sit at the counter, find some way to have fun in public. Don’t even bother trying to hunt down a partner, just have fun in a public setting. If you find ways to have fun in public, you start going out in public more. You do that, you start meeting potential partners by accident. Not only that:

    1. You start learning social skills

    Being surrounded by strangers means you can do a faux pas and nobody will remember it was you a week from now. They’re strangers, they remember the story but not the person. A group of strangers can be oddly freeing, you can say no to them and never see them again. If they judge you you’ll probably never see them again.

    1. You start learning about your area

    I learned Minneapolis has a fire breathing co-op so you can learn to juggle flames, a 501st legion of starwars cosplayers that can bring the empire to any event, a working ecto 1 that sometimes prowls the streets and has a youtube series.

    1. You start becoming more interesting.

    Did you click the links? You see what I mean? Now this is an interesting post. You now have things to talk about, about the land around you to whoever you’re talking to. It also provides two really great topics to talk about. “what have you found around here?” “what have I found around here?” Is there another event? A club or bar that is just bizarre? A sport or game you’ve never heard of. Apparently Minnesota’s roller derby team is amazing, still haven’t found the time to watch a game, but if you can find one, why not try there?

    Seriously just… do something. Find an event. If you think it’s stupid then try to verify if it’s stupid. (never was interested in cars, but it was free. Turns out the car show had the ecto 1, and the adam west batmobile. My hypothesis was proven wrong) Instead of scrolling through lemmy or facebook, wander around an event and watch and listen. If you see a booth, ask about it.

    I found that I could keep things interesting to me by basically playing a scavenger hunt with events. Go to an event and find your next event at the event you’re at. An event can be anything from a party, a convention, to a place that’s just plain interesting. It also really got people interested. Whenever I brought up my quest “find an event at this event”, people loved the idea and would often try to help. Heck, sometimes they’d even tag along at the next one.

    • ahal@lemmy.ca
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      18 days ago

      This is awesome, I think I’d add to this:

      Ask questions. Strike up conversations. Listen attentively. Be genuinely curious about people and ask about their lives. Do this to people of all genders, whether you’re attracted to them or not.

    • dingus@lemmy.world
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      19 days ago

      I think your assessment of the issue is accurate. People don’t go out and do things like they did before the pre cellphone and internet age.

      But for me…for the life of me if I go out and do stuff on my own, I cannot interact with strangers. It’s uncomfortable, unpleasant, and I don’t get anything out of it. I don’t know how that’s supposed to magically swing the other direction.

      Hell, even with people I like and know well… interacting with them outside of our “normal” routine is uncomfortable and unpleasant for me. Over the years, I’ve befriended someone at work and feel comfortable there. But for the life of me, I cannot gain the same level of comfort and satisfaction hanging out outside of work.

      I’ve had a sister in law for years and years now. Despite this, I do not have the inability to interact with her. It is uncomfortable, unlessant, and I do not get anything out of it. It’s not her fault…she’s a very nice person. But I just absolutely cannot ever gain comfort around people in certain (read: many) types of scenarios. I am comfortable around my parents and that’s it. No matter how often I spend with other people.

      Exposing myself repeatedly to these scenarios has not ever helped or made any sort of difference.

      • Monster@lemmy.world
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        18 days ago

        I go out and do stuff for me. I’m perfectly comfortable with wandering around and looking at things without ever interacting with everyone besides thanking the person behind the register after buying something. I’ve had social anxiety for so long that it’s become a normal thing for me now to not expect any interaction with anyone. And, because of this, no one wants to talk to the quiet person who is scared to look at you in the eye. They might think I’m just being rude or something but in reality I’m avoiding a potential interaction that scares me. So, speaking to what this person said about going out and doing stuff I can relate. Going out in public doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll interact with people. You can be alone even when surrounded by people.

      • dukeofdummies@lemmy.world
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        18 days ago

        I would always suggest never force yourself to interact with people. I’m just saying be adjacent. You don’t have to force yourself to interact with people. Just at least be around them.

        Forcing yourself to interact with a person for no other reason than interaction is ALWAYS awkward. It takes skill to plow through the awkwardness. Speed dating, speed friending, date auctions, are always awkward for this reason. Small talk can be difficult but if you treat someone more like google asking a question you actually care about. It’s a lot less awkward. People like to be experts, and treated as such.

        It’s why I say just, wander. It’s alright not speaking to anybody for hours at an event. Walk through it like you would a forest. Take in the sights and sounds. Try to find something truly interesting.

        • captainlezbian@lemmy.world
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          17 days ago

          I’ll give an exception here, I’m an extrovert with social anxiety and I benefitted immensely from making myself do things and talk to people.

        • dingus@lemmy.world
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          12 days ago

          Well for me, that’s why my social anxiety doesn’t really exist so much at work. I can simply do my work if I have nothing to say or if no one seems to want to interact with me. And then with the interaction with coworkers bit…I’m literally required to interact with coworkers to perform my job duties. So then branching out into casual chats isn’t weird because we were already just discussing work.

          If I’m at say…a coffeeshop or something…interaction with other patrons doesn’t really make sense contextually…even if I start to recognize the regulars who are there. There is nothing we are doing cooporatively.

          • dukeofdummies@lemmy.world
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            11 days ago

            Oh I know, that’s why I say go to events. Going to a coffee shop or even a club aren’t places I’d recommend. Interacting is so expensive there in terms of energy, anxiety, and stress.

            But a lot of events have a lot more contextual options. Where questions are appreciated, as well as compliments. Anime conventions are a great example. “How did you make this?” “What show is this from?” “What is this line for?” “Can I get a picture?” “You look awesome”

            Would never do that in a coffee shop.

      • IlIllIIIllIlIlIIlI@lemmy.world
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        19 days ago

        I can relate to this. Several times I have forced myself to go out and mix with people only to be back again in home and think that I got nothing positive from the experience, sometimes neither a good time during the process. Right now I think that Im transitioning to the acceptance that I just don’t like people and I want to be by myself.

  • BonesOfTheMoon@lemmy.world
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    14 days ago

    A friend: if they are immigrants on a work visa, barely know you, and are pushing you to marry them to stay in the country, and also give you an STD and still refuse to wear condoms? Bad. My friend was rather an insecure person and considering this until she asked me for advice and I said that it was a bad idea. I do understand the plight of an immigrant but this was just wrong.

    Another friend: their boyfriend would ask them if he could take her Ritalin some days, and she was dealing with a personal struggle with alcoholism and would just say “ok sure I guess I just won’t take it today” because she felt like she couldn’t say no. He also did not call an ambulance when she had a seizure and eventually she was discovered to have an aneurysm that needed immediate evacuation, and she feels that was maybe because he beat her during a time when she was too drunk to remember and gave her a head injury, as she has a recording of something on her phone. Do not be with someone who will supply your addictions. Thankfully she got sober and got out.

    Me: if from the get go his mother is rude to you despite you being a polite and eager to please person, and when you finally say something to him about how she’s being rude to you, and his only answer is to say “yeah, my mother can be very rude” in a tone that says this is the way it is and he sees nothing wrong with it, and does nothing to defend you from her behaviour or address it, that’s bad. If he’s cavalier about money and finances and his significant debt, and goes out behind your back and spends a lot of money and when you object says it’s his “character flaw”, or when he goes out behind your back and spends 3000 dollars on furniture you haven’t even seen, and when you get mad and are angry at him for a while says “when are you going to take me off the cross?”, as if you’re the one with the problem? That’s bad. If he gets suspended and also fired from work and lies to you and dodges the truth about why, that’s bad. If a million other bad things happen, that’s bad. If you break down and tell someone about how bad things are in your relationship, and he finds out and tells you that you should have kept it to yourself and “worked it out together” despite being super violent, manipulative, and puts you in a bad financial position because of it? That’s bad. If you ever feel in danger and scared to come home, look at your texts from him, or spend any money, that’s bad.

    Follow me for more relationship tips about what not to ever, ever, ever sign up for.

  • IHave69XiBucks@lemmygrad.ml
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    19 days ago

    Maybe its the demisexuality talking but i feel like its not common enough to like just be friends with people first? Like on dating apps people want to immediately jump into a date or something and i think it’d be a lot healthier to just like get to know eachother as friends first then decide if you want to date in a few months. I dont understand the desire to go on a date with someone you just met i guess.

    • jjjalljs@ttrpg.network
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      18 days ago

      I have never ever ever wanted to “just be friends” first. I am not looking for a new friend. I have friends. I am looking for intimacy that’s not typically available for friends, and sex.

      Furthermore, the timeline and transition points for “just friends” to “dating” are not defined. If I want to kiss now but we’re on a “just friends” track, what do I do? Probably pursue someone who wants what I want, and not spin my wheels hoping the other person will come around

    • bobs_monkey@lemm.ee
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      19 days ago

      It might be just me, but all of the best dates and relationships I’ve had over the years (including my now wife) all started with a spark of attraction upon meeting that we jumped into exploring together and developed a friendship over the course of dating. My wife became one of my best friends long before we got married but that definitely developed over time, while the attraction and romance definitely came on strong right at the get go.

      I had a couple times transitioned into dating friends but each time it just didn’t fit right (even if the relationship lasted a while) and ended up rather distant from them. Also too, I never had any luck dating online, they all came the old fashioned way.

  • Sir_Kevin@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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    18 days ago

    If you met online, do a video chat as early as possible before you get all emotionally invested. I’ve been catfished more times than I can remember.