Talking to people doesn’t make me a better person. It makes me mask and feel further alienation. (Though yes, being completely alone is awful so I still socialize.)
And I can’t talk to a therapist for many many reasons.
The first day at the gym is the hardest, but without any other context I will take your word for it. For most people, though, that is the way.
For me, I’m pretty ADHD with definitely some other shit mixed in and I’ve just come to accept that many people are not worth it. That said, so many people are and it just takes finding them. I was lucky to not get traumatized into masking as a child, though, and while it makes working with emotionally bankrupt engineers tricky I can at least survive out in the world in the context of making friends.
I’m curious what a “personality gym” would do for you, as you brought it up. At some point you’d be aiming to take those skills outside, right, so would it be in preparation for the going out and talking to people part? Or would you like to have a personality in isolation and at that point why the gym?
I suppose I’d like to have the happy carefree loving energy that people naturally gravitate towards and it to be earnest (rather than it being a mask or something). I’d want to be a normie.
Even more I wish to basically be a himbo. People love himbos. But I’d have to become dumber, less judgemental, and more confident in myself. Someone who believes in astrology/spirituality because everyone else around them believes in it. Someone who’s not anxious about politics all the fucking time.
Like, I want to be a different and happier person. Maybe its a “grass is always greener” situation.
When I found that I was being judgemental and closed(and a bit of a stick in the mud, if I’m honest) I just tried to practice doing more “yes, and” stuff. It may be different for you but for me I realized that a lot of what was holding me back was plain old insecurity. I was simply afraid of being vulnerable to that level and so terrified of the chance someone would try to use any error I might make against me that I would get defensive when someone felt at least safe enough to try to give some feedback.
Being authentic is hard at first because it requires being vulnerable and, friend, I so get why that’s easier said than done. I’d worry less about being something so set-in-stone like a himbo and more about remembering that you’re allowed to be more than a mold filler. Like when you see a character who’s normally a little silly step aside with another and drop some calm wisdom and you go “oh, this person is more than their trope” or when the normally crazy barbarian type character shows softness when it’s needed. It’s situational, ya know? It’s not masking to turn down one knob and turn up the other when it’s appropriate.
The best part is that even if you strike out making friends or whatever you can at least say that you were a good, authentic person during it all. No one can ever take that away from you but you, and you control you.
—
It’ll be hard at first, to take what may feel like such a big risk, but I believe in ya and I can tell you genuinely care so you’ll get it for sure. Start small and build up and you’ll get there sooner than you think :)
Vulnerability is definitely something I am not able to do without rumination or severe anxiety later. I usually only reveal my deeper thoughts when I’m seriously drunk (edit: or when I’m on the internet). It feels great in the moment, but then the next day I worry I came off like a nutcase (because I probably did) and agonize over it.
Normally I am very “survivalist” minded in my social interactions and I’ve been so for a very long time. I’ve gotten extremely good at it, so good that I’ve kind of forgotten who I really am to a degree.
I’m good at masking with significant charisma with preparation/rehearsal/caffeine for some amount of time. Though I have “high highs and low lows” on charisma. 95% of the time I’ll ace it and people will like me, other 5% of times I come off like an unhinged weirdo, robot, or alien. Usually when I’m socially burnt out or the opposite, socially starved/desperate.
Well, firstly, big hug my dude. And thanks for being vulnerable with me here, I appreciate it and you’re sounding just fine!
I get what you mean. You get so used to doing it that you basically no longer have evidence for things being ok when you don’t. I kept a note going every day for a whole year writing down stuff that happened; It was like a journal but focused on working on this stuff and I was so surprised to find how much I was expecting to write “and then it all fell apart” but finding that when it came time to write it down I just couldn’t actually come up with examples. I’m not saying you have to journal, but food for thought.
It’s also important to not worry about needing to expose deeper thoughts right out the gate. I’m very much the kind of person who just goes pedal to the metal but when I think about what I like to see in my friends it’s mostly that what they do share is honest and not that they need to share a lot. Like, you don’t necessarily need to tell me about your philosophy of life within the first five minutes but if you think bugs are cool or have a strong opinion about olives frickin’ send it, my guy. And hey, if you’re nailing it 95% of the time those are excellent numbers with so much wiggle room! You can be waaaaaaay weirder with numbers like that, and it shows me that you have a strong ability to read the room and measure your response to things.
You obviously care a lot about people and wanting to respect them so here’s something I heard about a year ago that kinda stuck with me for a similar reason: ‘When we decide for other people what they think of us, deciding for them that they think we’re weird and don’t like us, we’re being pretty unfair to them and not just ourselves.’ If they really do feel that way then ok, but we have to let them tell us that, ya know?
Also thanks for letting me ramble. I tend to get excited when I seem to be helping in some way so I’m trying to keep it together but may go off a little.
The best way to be happy, IMO, is to find people with similar interests, and ideally a good variety of different types of people that share your interests (i.e. don’t hyper-focus on one). Maybe you’re into board games, so look around for some board game groups (library, meetup, etc). If you go that route, make sure to practice a bit of restraint until you find a good group you can vibe with (e.g. don’t take it ultra seriously if others aren’t), which may not be the first or even fifth group you play with. Or maybe you’re into cheese making or carpentry. Or maybe you just want to try those things out. There are groups for pretty much every interest in most metro areas, so look around.
Some tips:
practice good hygiene
if you’re neurodivergent, it’s cool to mention that at the start, just don’t keep bringing it up
try to keep discussion pretty surface-level until you get more comfortable w/ the group (i.e. don’t bring up deep MtG lore at a cheese making meetup)
There’s no simple solution here, but trying out a bunch of different groups and going slow can certainly help. I had two roommates who were on the autism spectrum, and one had a very healthy social life while the other was largely a recluse. The one with a healthy social life was upfront about being neurodivergent (and asked for help navigating social situations), careful about exposing too much at once (took us months to realize we were all into GZDoom), and generally took good care of themselves. They also had confidence, but that comes from practice, and it’ll be hard at first. We tried our best to get the recluse to join our groups, and we were somewhat successful, but at the end of the day he just didn’t put in the effort.
I don’t know what specific issues you have, so I don’t know if any of this will help. But hopefully you’ll find it’s worth a try. Don’t be something you’re not, you’ll likely just feel unfulfilled, but also be careful to not unload on others until you find the right group to open up to.
I got the basics covered, in fact I tend to be fairly anxiety riddled about making sure I meet bare minimum expectations if I go out of my way to socialize. I only really let myself go (in multiple ways) when I’m depressed. Which admittedly I probably am right now.
Its funny you mention board games. I’m actually not super into board games on an intrinsic level unless its a supremely nerdy/crunchy game. I get very meticulous/competitive/analytical/meta-gamey but I do go to casual board game meet ups anyway because its “fun enough” and I can socialize occasionally.
I think though you hit on a key element: I don’t live in a metro area. I live in a rural hellscape, and commute into a small city. And for a number of reasons I tend to not socialize after work and instead head straight home. I’m usually tired after work and I worry about driving home later than that potentially and driving exhausted. (45 minute commute)
Its too bad there isn’t a gym for one’s personality.
There is, it’s going outside and talking to people. Also therapy.
Talking to people doesn’t make me a better person. It makes me mask and feel further alienation. (Though yes, being completely alone is awful so I still socialize.)
And I can’t talk to a therapist for many many reasons.
The first day at the gym is the hardest, but without any other context I will take your word for it. For most people, though, that is the way.
For me, I’m pretty ADHD with definitely some other shit mixed in and I’ve just come to accept that many people are not worth it. That said, so many people are and it just takes finding them. I was lucky to not get traumatized into masking as a child, though, and while it makes working with emotionally bankrupt engineers tricky I can at least survive out in the world in the context of making friends.
I’m curious what a “personality gym” would do for you, as you brought it up. At some point you’d be aiming to take those skills outside, right, so would it be in preparation for the going out and talking to people part? Or would you like to have a personality in isolation and at that point why the gym?
I suppose I’d like to have the happy carefree loving energy that people naturally gravitate towards and it to be earnest (rather than it being a mask or something). I’d want to be a normie.
Even more I wish to basically be a himbo. People love himbos. But I’d have to become dumber, less judgemental, and more confident in myself. Someone who believes in astrology/spirituality because everyone else around them believes in it. Someone who’s not anxious about politics all the fucking time.
Like, I want to be a different and happier person. Maybe its a “grass is always greener” situation.
Hell yea dude, I so 100% understand that.
When I found that I was being judgemental and closed(and a bit of a stick in the mud, if I’m honest) I just tried to practice doing more “yes, and” stuff. It may be different for you but for me I realized that a lot of what was holding me back was plain old insecurity. I was simply afraid of being vulnerable to that level and so terrified of the chance someone would try to use any error I might make against me that I would get defensive when someone felt at least safe enough to try to give some feedback.
Being authentic is hard at first because it requires being vulnerable and, friend, I so get why that’s easier said than done. I’d worry less about being something so set-in-stone like a himbo and more about remembering that you’re allowed to be more than a mold filler. Like when you see a character who’s normally a little silly step aside with another and drop some calm wisdom and you go “oh, this person is more than their trope” or when the normally crazy barbarian type character shows softness when it’s needed. It’s situational, ya know? It’s not masking to turn down one knob and turn up the other when it’s appropriate.
The best part is that even if you strike out making friends or whatever you can at least say that you were a good, authentic person during it all. No one can ever take that away from you but you, and you control you.
—
It’ll be hard at first, to take what may feel like such a big risk, but I believe in ya and I can tell you genuinely care so you’ll get it for sure. Start small and build up and you’ll get there sooner than you think :)
Vulnerability is definitely something I am not able to do without rumination or severe anxiety later. I usually only reveal my deeper thoughts when I’m seriously drunk (edit: or when I’m on the internet). It feels great in the moment, but then the next day I worry I came off like a nutcase (because I probably did) and agonize over it.
Normally I am very “survivalist” minded in my social interactions and I’ve been so for a very long time. I’ve gotten extremely good at it, so good that I’ve kind of forgotten who I really am to a degree.
I’m good at masking with significant charisma with preparation/rehearsal/caffeine for some amount of time. Though I have “high highs and low lows” on charisma. 95% of the time I’ll ace it and people will like me, other 5% of times I come off like an unhinged weirdo, robot, or alien. Usually when I’m socially burnt out or the opposite, socially starved/desperate.
Well, firstly, big hug my dude. And thanks for being vulnerable with me here, I appreciate it and you’re sounding just fine!
I get what you mean. You get so used to doing it that you basically no longer have evidence for things being ok when you don’t. I kept a note going every day for a whole year writing down stuff that happened; It was like a journal but focused on working on this stuff and I was so surprised to find how much I was expecting to write “and then it all fell apart” but finding that when it came time to write it down I just couldn’t actually come up with examples. I’m not saying you have to journal, but food for thought.
It’s also important to not worry about needing to expose deeper thoughts right out the gate. I’m very much the kind of person who just goes pedal to the metal but when I think about what I like to see in my friends it’s mostly that what they do share is honest and not that they need to share a lot. Like, you don’t necessarily need to tell me about your philosophy of life within the first five minutes but if you think bugs are cool or have a strong opinion about olives frickin’ send it, my guy. And hey, if you’re nailing it 95% of the time those are excellent numbers with so much wiggle room! You can be waaaaaaay weirder with numbers like that, and it shows me that you have a strong ability to read the room and measure your response to things.
You obviously care a lot about people and wanting to respect them so here’s something I heard about a year ago that kinda stuck with me for a similar reason: ‘When we decide for other people what they think of us, deciding for them that they think we’re weird and don’t like us, we’re being pretty unfair to them and not just ourselves.’ If they really do feel that way then ok, but we have to let them tell us that, ya know?
Also thanks for letting me ramble. I tend to get excited when I seem to be helping in some way so I’m trying to keep it together but may go off a little.
Why tho?
The best way to be happy, IMO, is to find people with similar interests, and ideally a good variety of different types of people that share your interests (i.e. don’t hyper-focus on one). Maybe you’re into board games, so look around for some board game groups (library, meetup, etc). If you go that route, make sure to practice a bit of restraint until you find a good group you can vibe with (e.g. don’t take it ultra seriously if others aren’t), which may not be the first or even fifth group you play with. Or maybe you’re into cheese making or carpentry. Or maybe you just want to try those things out. There are groups for pretty much every interest in most metro areas, so look around.
Some tips:
There’s no simple solution here, but trying out a bunch of different groups and going slow can certainly help. I had two roommates who were on the autism spectrum, and one had a very healthy social life while the other was largely a recluse. The one with a healthy social life was upfront about being neurodivergent (and asked for help navigating social situations), careful about exposing too much at once (took us months to realize we were all into GZDoom), and generally took good care of themselves. They also had confidence, but that comes from practice, and it’ll be hard at first. We tried our best to get the recluse to join our groups, and we were somewhat successful, but at the end of the day he just didn’t put in the effort.
I don’t know what specific issues you have, so I don’t know if any of this will help. But hopefully you’ll find it’s worth a try. Don’t be something you’re not, you’ll likely just feel unfulfilled, but also be careful to not unload on others until you find the right group to open up to.
I got the basics covered, in fact I tend to be fairly anxiety riddled about making sure I meet bare minimum expectations if I go out of my way to socialize. I only really let myself go (in multiple ways) when I’m depressed. Which admittedly I probably am right now.
Its funny you mention board games. I’m actually not super into board games on an intrinsic level unless its a supremely nerdy/crunchy game. I get very meticulous/competitive/analytical/meta-gamey but I do go to casual board game meet ups anyway because its “fun enough” and I can socialize occasionally.
I think though you hit on a key element: I don’t live in a metro area. I live in a rural hellscape, and commute into a small city. And for a number of reasons I tend to not socialize after work and instead head straight home. I’m usually tired after work and I worry about driving home later than that potentially and driving exhausted. (45 minute commute)