When I found that I was being judgemental and closed(and a bit of a stick in the mud, if I’m honest) I just tried to practice doing more “yes, and” stuff. It may be different for you but for me I realized that a lot of what was holding me back was plain old insecurity. I was simply afraid of being vulnerable to that level and so terrified of the chance someone would try to use any error I might make against me that I would get defensive when someone felt at least safe enough to try to give some feedback.
Being authentic is hard at first because it requires being vulnerable and, friend, I so get why that’s easier said than done. I’d worry less about being something so set-in-stone like a himbo and more about remembering that you’re allowed to be more than a mold filler. Like when you see a character who’s normally a little silly step aside with another and drop some calm wisdom and you go “oh, this person is more than their trope” or when the normally crazy barbarian type character shows softness when it’s needed. It’s situational, ya know? It’s not masking to turn down one knob and turn up the other when it’s appropriate.
The best part is that even if you strike out making friends or whatever you can at least say that you were a good, authentic person during it all. No one can ever take that away from you but you, and you control you.
—
It’ll be hard at first, to take what may feel like such a big risk, but I believe in ya and I can tell you genuinely care so you’ll get it for sure. Start small and build up and you’ll get there sooner than you think :)
Vulnerability is definitely something I am not able to do without rumination or severe anxiety later. I usually only reveal my deeper thoughts when I’m seriously drunk (edit: or when I’m on the internet). It feels great in the moment, but then the next day I worry I came off like a nutcase (because I probably did) and agonize over it.
Normally I am very “survivalist” minded in my social interactions and I’ve been so for a very long time. I’ve gotten extremely good at it, so good that I’ve kind of forgotten who I really am to a degree.
I’m good at masking with significant charisma with preparation/rehearsal/caffeine for some amount of time. Though I have “high highs and low lows” on charisma. 95% of the time I’ll ace it and people will like me, other 5% of times I come off like an unhinged weirdo, robot, or alien. Usually when I’m socially burnt out or the opposite, socially starved/desperate.
Well, firstly, big hug my dude. And thanks for being vulnerable with me here, I appreciate it and you’re sounding just fine!
I get what you mean. You get so used to doing it that you basically no longer have evidence for things being ok when you don’t. I kept a note going every day for a whole year writing down stuff that happened; It was like a journal but focused on working on this stuff and I was so surprised to find how much I was expecting to write “and then it all fell apart” but finding that when it came time to write it down I just couldn’t actually come up with examples. I’m not saying you have to journal, but food for thought.
It’s also important to not worry about needing to expose deeper thoughts right out the gate. I’m very much the kind of person who just goes pedal to the metal but when I think about what I like to see in my friends it’s mostly that what they do share is honest and not that they need to share a lot. Like, you don’t necessarily need to tell me about your philosophy of life within the first five minutes but if you think bugs are cool or have a strong opinion about olives frickin’ send it, my guy. And hey, if you’re nailing it 95% of the time those are excellent numbers with so much wiggle room! You can be waaaaaaay weirder with numbers like that, and it shows me that you have a strong ability to read the room and measure your response to things.
You obviously care a lot about people and wanting to respect them so here’s something I heard about a year ago that kinda stuck with me for a similar reason: ‘When we decide for other people what they think of us, deciding for them that they think we’re weird and don’t like us, we’re being pretty unfair to them and not just ourselves.’ If they really do feel that way then ok, but we have to let them tell us that, ya know?
Also thanks for letting me ramble. I tend to get excited when I seem to be helping in some way so I’m trying to keep it together but may go off a little.
Also thanks for letting me ramble. I tend to get excited when I seem to be helping in some way so I’m trying to keep it together but may go off a little.
I enjoy discourse of most kinds so the pleasure is mine as well.
And hey, if you’re nailing it 95% of the time those are excellent numbers with so much wiggle room! You can be waaaaaaay weirder with numbers like that, and it shows me that you have a strong ability to read the room and measure your response to things.
Yeah but, those 5% moments can be ruinous… I still remember one particular Halloween party. The kind of memory that keeps one up at night.
Many times its just me breaking and being clearly either grumpy (sick of people) or smell of lonely neediness. Or I’ll mentally short circuit and say something way overly blunt/irrelevant/obsessive. All can just make me legitimately unlikable and maybe deserving of the label. Its not like “fun zany autistic” moments.
So imagine a super charismatic type just suddenly breaking character after something slightly socially unexpected and outwardly presenting as a lizard person or android following that.
I get what you mean. You get so used to doing it that you basically no longer have evidence for things being ok when you don’t. I kept a note going every day for a whole year writing down stuff that happened; It was like a journal but focused on working on this stuff and I was so surprised to find how much I was expecting to write “and then it all fell apart” but finding that when it came time to write it down I just couldn’t actually come up with examples. I’m not saying you have to journal, but food for thought.
Yeah I might start doing little journals on my phone. I started using an open source note taking app, Logseq and thought maybe be one of the uses for that. I just need to create a template or something for that I think.
Hell yea dude, I so 100% understand that.
When I found that I was being judgemental and closed(and a bit of a stick in the mud, if I’m honest) I just tried to practice doing more “yes, and” stuff. It may be different for you but for me I realized that a lot of what was holding me back was plain old insecurity. I was simply afraid of being vulnerable to that level and so terrified of the chance someone would try to use any error I might make against me that I would get defensive when someone felt at least safe enough to try to give some feedback.
Being authentic is hard at first because it requires being vulnerable and, friend, I so get why that’s easier said than done. I’d worry less about being something so set-in-stone like a himbo and more about remembering that you’re allowed to be more than a mold filler. Like when you see a character who’s normally a little silly step aside with another and drop some calm wisdom and you go “oh, this person is more than their trope” or when the normally crazy barbarian type character shows softness when it’s needed. It’s situational, ya know? It’s not masking to turn down one knob and turn up the other when it’s appropriate.
The best part is that even if you strike out making friends or whatever you can at least say that you were a good, authentic person during it all. No one can ever take that away from you but you, and you control you.
—
It’ll be hard at first, to take what may feel like such a big risk, but I believe in ya and I can tell you genuinely care so you’ll get it for sure. Start small and build up and you’ll get there sooner than you think :)
Vulnerability is definitely something I am not able to do without rumination or severe anxiety later. I usually only reveal my deeper thoughts when I’m seriously drunk (edit: or when I’m on the internet). It feels great in the moment, but then the next day I worry I came off like a nutcase (because I probably did) and agonize over it.
Normally I am very “survivalist” minded in my social interactions and I’ve been so for a very long time. I’ve gotten extremely good at it, so good that I’ve kind of forgotten who I really am to a degree.
I’m good at masking with significant charisma with preparation/rehearsal/caffeine for some amount of time. Though I have “high highs and low lows” on charisma. 95% of the time I’ll ace it and people will like me, other 5% of times I come off like an unhinged weirdo, robot, or alien. Usually when I’m socially burnt out or the opposite, socially starved/desperate.
Well, firstly, big hug my dude. And thanks for being vulnerable with me here, I appreciate it and you’re sounding just fine!
I get what you mean. You get so used to doing it that you basically no longer have evidence for things being ok when you don’t. I kept a note going every day for a whole year writing down stuff that happened; It was like a journal but focused on working on this stuff and I was so surprised to find how much I was expecting to write “and then it all fell apart” but finding that when it came time to write it down I just couldn’t actually come up with examples. I’m not saying you have to journal, but food for thought.
It’s also important to not worry about needing to expose deeper thoughts right out the gate. I’m very much the kind of person who just goes pedal to the metal but when I think about what I like to see in my friends it’s mostly that what they do share is honest and not that they need to share a lot. Like, you don’t necessarily need to tell me about your philosophy of life within the first five minutes but if you think bugs are cool or have a strong opinion about olives frickin’ send it, my guy. And hey, if you’re nailing it 95% of the time those are excellent numbers with so much wiggle room! You can be waaaaaaay weirder with numbers like that, and it shows me that you have a strong ability to read the room and measure your response to things.
You obviously care a lot about people and wanting to respect them so here’s something I heard about a year ago that kinda stuck with me for a similar reason: ‘When we decide for other people what they think of us, deciding for them that they think we’re weird and don’t like us, we’re being pretty unfair to them and not just ourselves.’ If they really do feel that way then ok, but we have to let them tell us that, ya know?
Also thanks for letting me ramble. I tend to get excited when I seem to be helping in some way so I’m trying to keep it together but may go off a little.
I enjoy discourse of most kinds so the pleasure is mine as well.
Yeah but, those 5% moments can be ruinous… I still remember one particular Halloween party. The kind of memory that keeps one up at night.
Many times its just me breaking and being clearly either grumpy (sick of people) or smell of lonely neediness. Or I’ll mentally short circuit and say something way overly blunt/irrelevant/obsessive. All can just make me legitimately unlikable and maybe deserving of the label. Its not like “fun zany autistic” moments.
So imagine a super charismatic type just suddenly breaking character after something slightly socially unexpected and outwardly presenting as a lizard person or android following that.
Yeah I might start doing little journals on my phone. I started using an open source note taking app, Logseq and thought maybe be one of the uses for that. I just need to create a template or something for that I think.