Title says it all
This one is a true story:
I was in Dallas Love Field with my daughter several years ago.
I said, “You know, this is where John Kennedy landed only a few hours before he was killed. Show some respect and try not to make an ass…assin of yourself.”
Roughly fifteen years later her eyes still haven’t come back from rolling into the back of her head
I’m still proud of myself for coming up with that little airport joke on the fly
So I was laying in bed with my girlfriend reading the secondhand diary that I bought… ‘I don’t remember this.’
First thought, “wtf is a hand diary”. Secondhand.
I’m hyper productive. Have one for my first hand and another for my second hand.
If a threesome is with three people, and a foursome is with four, then i think i get why they call you handsome…
What’s long and brown and sticky?
A stick.
What’s brown, and rhymes with “Snoop?”
Dr. Dre.
Why does Snoop carry an umbrella?
For drizzle, m’nizzle.
How does Helen Keller know when she’s done wiping?
Taste test.
I’ve got tons of this shit for when we’ve got downtime at work.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive? She’s dead
What did Helen Keller do when she fell down a well?
Scream her hands off.
What did Helen Keller do when she fell down a well?
She’s dead.
Did you hear about the time she answered the iron?
Yes, but she didn’t 😉
Brian and Bob were walking through the forest when they came across a set of tracks.
“Those are cougar tracks!” Bob exclaimed.
“Hell, no! Those are coyote tracks.” Brain said.
“I’m tellin’ you, I’ve been out in these woods since I was little, and those are cougar tracks!”
“There’s no cougars in this part of the country. Those are coyote tracks!”
Then they both got hit by a train.
This joke was passed on to me from my mom:
What is black, hides in a tree, and is extremely dangerous?
Answer:
A crow with a machine gun.
A guy walks into a bar and he says ‘ow’.
Coque… say that word
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no body to go with!
Why didn’t two go to the party?
Because he had no one to go with.
Whenever someone says “oh my god” i say “you may call me [insert name here]”
An underage weasel walks into a bar and the bartender says “sorry, I can’t serve you alcohol, you’re too young”. The weasel replies that’s ok, I’ll drink something else. The bartender says “well I have water, soda pop, and cranberry juice, what’ll it be?”
“Pop!” goes the weasel
Awesome
Him: Hey, when you’re out camping, do you enjoy it when you wake up in the morning and water vapor condensers on your lenses?
Me: DEW EYE?!?
How do blind skydivers know when to deploy their chute?
When the leash goes slack.
A skeleton walked into a bar and ordered a beer and a mop.
Why did the orchestra get struck by lightning?
It was because they had an excellent conductor.
Why does the organ player only eat offal?
He’s an organist
What’s small, green, and has wheels? Grass. I added the wheels to make it sound cooler.
