And, should I change?
I’m 38 years old, single, not interested in starting a family (my mother was a drama queen and I couldn’t live that again with a partner or a child), don’t own any property, not really a consumerist person, I max my 401k and save 70% of my net income because most of the stuff society tells me to buy is irrelevant to me (I still own clothes I bought 20 years ago and they still fit me), don’t need a car and use a bike or public transportation, I prefer to cook at home because it’s cheaper and I can choose what I cook. I stopped drinking alcohol 10 years ago. I’m definitively not an extrovert.
I majored in philosophy because I liked it and I still do, but never found a job with my major. I tried being a high school teacher, but teenagers are way too much for me. Nursing, what I do now, is a versatile and safer job, even if I think it’s slowly killing me.
I feel cheated in life.
For 15 years I lived paycheck to paycheck paying off my debt, often having to move due to increased rent so this might be my way of coping with trauma. I still feel I’m way behind most people my age. I feel like a loser because I imagine them knowing better than me what they want in life.
It’s true that comparison is the thief of joy, but I cannot stop ruminating about this.
If you read my post history you’ll realize I don’t really care about my job, but stay because I need a paycheck and I like having a big rainy day fund. If I was a millionaire, I’d stop working. I don’t like any job.
It might be true that I’m autistic, because close human connections where never that important to me and most people I work with are not close to me, but as I’m nearing 40 I’m starting to think if my destiny is going to be to live and die alone in a nursing home. Sometimes this scares me, but I always go back to my apathetic, indifferent self, like I’m on some kind of drug that makes me not feel anything, neither good or bad, like my emotional brain is underdeveloped.
What I don’t want to be is this desperate loner craving for any kind of human attention turning to post his whole life online hoping a good Samaritan comes and saves me. First because it’s pathetic and secondly because that’s never a good foundation to build a friendship, I’d be inviting a predator, another crazy loner, a newborn Christian to save me with god, somebody trying to scam me with a MLM scheme or an antivaxer into my life. And I’m not a 20 year old discovering the world, I’m almost 40.
Every woman I’ve been attracted to has ignored me and every woman that showed an interest in me wasn’t good enough to me: she could be eager to make a connection, put an interest, even pretty and genuine but I cannot fake being in love or feeling attraction. I always ended up considering them as friends or acquaintances. I’m too old and too introverted (autistic?) to visit a club and try to impress a woman to go out with me.
I don’t think this is depression, depression would be me not going to work not even calling in sick.
It seems clear I need a friend, but I don’t know how to make friends anymore. I focused so much on surviving that I stopped caring about anyone else.
You are sharing very deep observations about yourself.
About your mother and her impact on you wanting to start a family, take a look at raisedbynarcicissts communities or speak to a therapist.
For friends connection, try joining a board game club in your area. They really don’t care about autistic traits.
I’d recommend minimising the amount of commercial media you are viewing, and switch to mostly consuming open-licenced media for a while.
Audio books: librivox.org
Movies: vole.wtf/voleflix
Nursing, and care professions like teaching or ambulance drivers, can often be squeezed to rely on the compassion of the individuals in them. Do you have balance within your position. Is it time to retrain for something else at night-school? Or time to go to 3 or 4 days a week.
Take some pride, every single day nurses help people to stay alive.
The Stoic Reading app on FDroid may help you find some philosophy that motivates or solidifies a purpose.
Travel to a different town and meet random people, introduce yourself using your middle name. Invest nothing in making long term friends, just chat.
You actually sound quite aware of many things around you, finding opportunities for hobbies or artistic endeavours, where you do not overthink things, would help.
Remember that everyone is doing their best with what they know, and to let some things go.
All the best for your future.
I can’t stress enough how helpful it would be for you to find a hobby and meet with people who also enjoy the same hobby. Do that, hands down. Good luck!
Best advice I have received: make a small change in any direction that would have a positive outcome if you succeeded. Set a goal, any goal, professionally, personally, socially etc. make it specific, measurable, and write down your experience. Break it into steps and if a step is too hard break that step into smaller ones.
There can be many mental health disorders that are functional illnesses. Many with chronic illness can actually live a regular life and no one would know what they have going on. It doesn’t mean it is not serious or debilitating. Mild depression is a thing, so is mild bipolar, mild schizophrenia or high functioning.
That being said the phenomenon you are describing is common nowadays without it being a mental illness. I haven’t met someone who hasn’t at least once in their life questioned their choices or felt lost about what to do next or how to do it.
There are many jobs you can do with a bachelor’s in any major. Most are office based. Some can be more hands on.
That being said not all comparisons are a thief of joy. There is a concept in DBT called the ACCEPTS acronym. One of the Cs is Comparison. But a positive one. For you. Compare yourself to someone in a lesser or more distressing situation. Or to a time when you, yourself were in a worse rut, if possible. This is also a form of cognitive reframing.
38 is still young. Plus 30s and 40s are where a midlife crisis can occur. Don’t go to clubs for friends unless you already know someone there. Try more neutral settings like a small class, group, volunteering, or a place where you would be alongside people with a common goal or interest. A lot more potential to find not so good connections in a bar or a club.
I agree it is hard to connect especially being an introvert myself. But you don’t need friends you just need one friend. There isn’t one set way to do it. Smaller settings with less people work and more opportunities to connect. Less social competition. Sometimes it is just a conversation with a neighbor that sparks something you might have in common. Then you or them invites the other to do something or show another something etc. It happens organically, gradually and unexpectedly.
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Upsticks and leave. Whereever you are you can probaly go and do wha you do somewhere else. I would pick a whole other country, you could pick ones that align with your interests like philosophy and cooking - places where there is history or active communities in those spaces.
As for making friends, join clubs. Start running, playing board games, cold water swimmimg, etc.
If you are looking for purpose and you don’t mecessarily care about money you could make a huge impact in charitable works. If you don’t like human contact you could volunteer with animals.
You are at a crossroads in that you feel jilted and stuck but in reality you have nothing keeping you in one place. If you save 70% of your earnings for multiple years you are in a position to just stop working while you figure it out. You are in a position to take a pay cut and find something you enjoy.
I know a few people who were in similar spots and one became a data analyst for a charity - less hours and he can see changes being made by his hand - and the other travels to meet the elderly to record and archive their memories for posterity.
You could do absolutely anything.
If you aren’t uncomfortable you can’t change. But first you have to want to want it. You aren’t really living paycheck to paycheck if you have a healthy savings however, it may be time to move somewhere where you can afford to live for longer and enjoy your nursing career, it’s a noble one after all.
Making and keep friends / lovers is much harder especially if you’re successful financially and career wise. I’d try to find a hobby in the psychology world online. There’s plenty of like minds out there that share the passion. If you want true friends you need to let them not be perfect. Have a great deal of grace and humility with coworkers. Same with finding a mate, even more so.
Good luck, it sounds like you’re doing a lot of things a healthy way.
First:
No, you don’t need a purpose, and your lifestyle sounds ok, if you were enjoying it (I think plenty of people would) but a couple of things stick out to me. One, you are avoiding romantic attachment - if any women are attracted to you, you are not unattractive or too awkward or whatever - you are really not attracted to any women who find you attractive? Or your brain rejects them because you subconsciously think you cannot possibly be attractive so there has to be something wrong with them?
Two, you do honestly sound depressed. It doesn’t have to mean so catatonic you can’t make it to work, it can mean going through the motions of life without feeling anything.
Pick a hobby, literally anything.
Our brains want us to be productive, so it’s likes doing something and seeing a result. Even the most inconsequential thing will stop your brain from freaking out.
If you also feel like you need more social interaction, a good hobby would be online videogames. Play something with voice chat and just be super helpful. Teammates want to do something stupid? Back em 100% and they’ll be appreciative.
You went off on dating too, but it’s 2024. Throw up an online profile here and there, but dont make it your priority like you can fix everything else by getting a partner. Fix the other stuff to make yourself a better person, and just make yourself available.
Don’t try to fix everything with your life at once. You can (and should) work on multiple things, but pick one thing to focus, knock it down, and make a new priority. Basically don’t try to fix your life, it’s a giant task for anyone. Pick easy attainable goals that will improve your life, and knock them out one at a time to feel like.peogress is being made.
Nobody has a purpose in life. Belief that life has a purpose is a creationist delusion created to try and comprehend and apply order to what is intrinsically chaotic and random, and to fight the anxiety that their fears induce.
Your options are to choose one of the following:
- Acceptance. You can accept that life is meaningless and that it’s okay. This one’s my preference.
- Denial. You can deny life’s meaninglessness and seek to find or create a purpose for yourself. This can range from something as simple as a hobby to as life changing as having a family or advocating for a cause.
- Embrasure. Revel in the chaos and express yourself through it, doing whatever you want without thought it care. This is best exemplified by the fictional character of the Joker.
- Oppression. Take up religion to crush understanding of reality and replace it with a delusion of supernaturally defined purpose. This is probably the most commonly used option, frequently forced upon people during childhood.
- Opposition. Attempt to fight the reality or mask the effects of meaninglessness through other means, such as direct therapy, chemical dependency (not recommended), talking with friends/family, or through other methods not previously mentioned.
Understanding one’s place in the universe (insignificant, irrelevant, and temporary speck) is important to having an accurate impression of ones existence. Whether one can accept that and what one do with that understanding is unique to the individual.
I hope that helps - good luck.
This, so much. You majored in philosophy, you know more about absurdism than I do. You also know there’s no such thing as “being ahead” or “being behind” in life, just being closer or further to your own values.
You’ve got an approximate 30-40 years of good cognition and physical ability left, and soon after you’ll die and nothing will have mattered anyway. “Existed safely until s/he died” is one possible path to take, but it sounds like you want permission to stop being scared. Go for it, the world doesn’t care.
I’ve found that the world is indifferent to your existence so I’ve take the “we’re here for a good time, not a long time” approach. I enjoy traveling/seeing what the world has to offer. It can be super fun immersing yourself in different cultures. Then I go back home and escape in fiction however I can from books, tv, movies, video games. I work out, challenge myself, learn languages, have hobbies that I find joy and meaning in. I just do and surround myself with things that make me happy. Get a dog or cat, they’re awesome company! that’s all i’ve got. I’m feeling pretty down lately too due to personal circumstance but I take “me time” very seriously.
Purpose isn’t something that is handed to you, it’s something that each of us has to find/create for ourselves.
And true happiness isn’t found by comparing yourself to others.
Its not a fair comparison. You only get to see their directors cut, but you see your own blooper reel.
I think you should get a roommate. Worst case scenario you make an enemy. Most likely scenario is you become more tolerant of others and save some money. Just be clear about boundaries up front.
After doing research on solutions I found that many people benefit from volunteering and joining groups.
The ability to look into other people’s needs and glean some joy from solving social issues is usually overlooked by modern society.
Also, people with religions tend to take delivery of life’s goals. They accept the social bindings that find them.
Allow people to seek you out, and take intrigue and curiosity from what is happening. Obey the social contract and get beyond the niceties of not really accepting people into your life.
If you’re surrounded by streets full of bums you could see it as your challenge to work with them, rally against their terrible choices, or escape them.
Experiment with meaning. Take them all out for lunch. Throw a street party for them. Hire a bus and take them somewhere. Teach them how to live again.
Accept your reality and it might accept you back!
Hidden Brain had a good episode “Why You Feel Empty” Aug. 6, 2024. “We all know what it feels like to be sad” … “We also know what it feels like to be joyful and happy” … “Sociologist Corey Keyes says lots of us live in an emotional netherworld that falls between these two poles, we are not depressed but still feel unfulfilled.” Anyway, I saved it cause it stuck with me because I’ve been languishing for a while as well. Give it a listen let me know what you think.
You might try meetups around a hobby that you’re into (or interested in learning about). I always suggest boardgaming because it’s a relatively casual atmosphere for meeting people around an activity. There’s no pressure to carry on a conversation and you’re not dating these people, just meeting strangers for gaming. You usually still have to talk about the game and rules as you’re playing, so it gives you something in common to talk about. The rules provide structure if you’re socially awkward, so it’s maybe not as chaotic as just going to a party with a bunch of people there and trying to carry on random conversations. Meetup.com is what I’ve tried before and that worked well for me in my area (results may vary).
That’s just something to get you out of the house, pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone seems like the first thing you’d want to try doing. Getting out and meeting new people can help sometimes. It sounds like you’re in a rut, just sort of bored with everything, or at least wanting something more. Otherwise, maybe pick some sort of hobby or interest maybe you’ve though about before and just throw yourself into it if you have the time and/or money. Learn something new. Start an exercise routine or just start going on extended (30min) walks around your neighborhood. Start volunteering somewhere. Write in a journal. Just do something that’s not part of your typical routine that sparks some new mental connections for you.
And even though you don’t feel depressed, what you’re describing still could be a sign of depression, so reaching out for support is always an option that you shouldn’t feel ashamed of or anything.
Just throwing some stuff out there as ideas, but I hope everything works out well for you.
