So straight out the gate: I don’t ever really flirt (yes, even if I like the girl). And I’m not sure whether I should change strategies. So hence my question.
Note: I am a guy.
Edit: Thank you all for your input. I have come to the realisation I need to let the other party (better) know I am romantically interested in them. Either by means of flirtation or otherwise.
How are you going to communicate to the counterparty your interest in them?
That’s like saying you don’t put in job applications and are trying to figure out why you can’t find employment
OP be like “Okay and how big (would you say) is that job applications part?”
Like I dunno dude, how are we supposed to quantify that shit? It’s just part of the dance
Better question we could give OP is “What difference would the answer make?” like is OP trying to figure out whether he can skip it or how much time to invest in practicing it or what lol. this is such a ridiculous thread
Yeah for how big is it? It’s so basic I’ve never considered it might be why some people aren’t getting laid. I’m more likely to assume someone doesnt shower than that they don’t flirt
Damn, that’s without a doubt a perfect synopsis of what’s going on here. Seriously, I’m impressed.
“What difference would the answer make?”
If the answer is: “Yes, it’s very important.” Then I know what to improve. If the answer is something along the lines of: “The important part is the connection between the two parties.” Then I don’t know what to do, to be honest.
Ok, then to be very clear, yes it matters a lot. I’m a slut. I’ve had an amount of casual and easy sex that it feels cringe talking about on the internet. I’m also married. I always start with flirtation and if someone doesn’t flirt back I stop. Because the alternative is to keep hitting on someone who may be uninterested, which is what creeps do. Theres a range of time that it’s ok to flirt without flirting back, but yeah if you dont initiate and you don’t reciprocate only creeps will ask you out
Just an anecdote, but I don’t think flirting is a specific thing to do per se, so feel it’s more just being honest to yourself and the other and letting it come out, I.e you shouldn’t think specifically about flirting, just say the things out loud you notice in the other or feel inside. Like tell them they look beautiful if they do. You create unneeded pressure when you think it as an explicit thing to do and master, when really, it’s messaging out loud your vulnerable observations and feelings we generally hold inside.
You feel bubbly inside with them? I would just go ahead and say that exactly as-is, without trying to be explicitly flirty or somehow “traditional” or beholden to the norms of what we’ve been taught flirting is.
Bubbly inside is fine if that’s what you feel. Their hair has amazing golden hues in the sun? Just say it if it feels right. You want to spend more time with them? That’s flirting, too, if you just say it out loud.
It’s vulnerable and scary, but it’s not hard or really even a bespoke thing to do. It’s letting yourself be vulnerable and open to hurt by voicing your thoughts, feelings and desires.
It can be fun too, since if the other is also struggling with knowing when it’s fine to voice things like that, you doing it signals it’s fine and you get all the warmth and love and voiced validation for yourself too. You get to hear how they perceive you, what is beautiful or exciting in you, you lower the barrier of just hooking up if it feels right for both, forming thoughts and feelings into words just starts coming more natural and it’s always just fun and exciting and validating, as well as all the other lovely things.
So what I’m trying to say is don’t think about flirting as a thing, just start saying shit out loud when you feel said shit. You like the way they look? Just start voicing it out loud, and it just flows naturally from there if the excitement is mutual.
Much less intimidating if you stop thinking about it and stressing about the concept of flirting as you’ve perceived it from media and such. It’s natural, comes readily for all, when the situation is right. All it takes is daring to take the jump, which is really the only serious blocker, being brave enough to be vulnerable. If you make flirting as a concept a blocker and a source of anxiousness too, you’ll have double the amount of anxiousness and blockers.
Best try and consciously just say things out loud instead. Half the stress and sweat, 100% of the reward ✨
When I went on the first few dates with my now-wife, I did not flirt with her as in try to tease her or do anything overtly sexual.
I honestly think I won her over because how enthusiastic I was about telling stories. She said I was so charming because of how passionate and animated I was while telling her about myself that she could see how confident and content I was.
Prior to meeting her at 35, I had never had a girlfriend and had only ever gone on 2 dates.
Try to look at it from the perspective of the person you’re talking to. Nobody wants to make a fool of themselves, and assuming someone is interested (without evidence) is a great way for someone to become very embarrassed. Flirting is how you subtly let a person know it’s safe to suppose you might be into them and proceed accordingly. Conversations and invitations that are completely devoid of flirtation will instead tell them that you’re just being polite or friendly.
So it’s important!
Flirting is part of the process, the dance. It’s also a pretty broad term.
Flirting is part of the process
Okay and how big (would you say) is that part?
It’s also a pretty broad term.
Would you say that talking amicably, counts as flirting?
I feel like talking amicably just falls under being friendly by definition lol
“Hey, I really enjoyed that conversation, let’s meet for a coffee some day, how can I text you?”
But if I sign it off like this. That would MAKE the message pretty clear, right?
Yeah that’s a decent way to start. Giving compliments is a great way to flirt! Saying something like “That was a great conversation, you’re easy to talk to” might even be a bit more flirty without putting yourself that much further out.
Not really, I would take it at face value. Unless the person sent some really strong signals. And even then I would just do the conclusion that requires the least assumptions, which is just friend vibes.
But you can still be explicit afte the fact. I get is hard tho, since you have to be pretty vulnerable.
Eh, just say, “I’m trying to flirt with you. How’s it doing?”
And if she laughs, you’re in. If she does squirmy-squirm face, “Well, I had to try. Now let’s enjoy this awkward silence together.” And stare at the ground silently, but for no more than three seconds.
Never more than 3 seconds. Listen up guys, most important part!
Well, then it actually is awkward instead of a confident, “I saw this coming lol” silence.
What counts is how the other person perceives it.
Talking amicably is just being polite. Knowing how to say things “with a wink and a nudge” would be more flirting.
Flirting occurs when you demonstrate attraction to someone indirectly or obliquely. Such indirectness creates tension, because we both know what I’m saying, but since I haven’t actually said it, there’s ambiguity.
It can also be direct statements, but that doesn’t demonstrate that you understand the dance. And I really do mean dance. Dancing is all about connection, being able to stay connected to a dance partner when you’re moving apart, and sensing just when, and how firmly, to pull them back toward you. It’s like you have a rubber band between you. Feeling that tension in it when you’re far apart is exciting, releasing that tension by coming closer resolves it. Back and forth you go. Flirting is the same.
Flirting should be a fun thing for you. Don’t view it as something you “just” have to do - it’s how we assess each other, it’s part of the process (it is a process, not a check box). It also never ends, just changes within a relationship.
We do the same with non-romantic relationships, there it’s called small talk (or you could say we don’t move from small talk to flirting).
People generally enjoy that stage of a relationship the most so you can do your own math here.
But I’m not in a relationship?
Isn’t flirting the accepted way of signaling to another person, that you’re interested in them in a certain way? I mean I talk to lots of different people of different genders in my life. And I’m mostly very nice to people and find interesting topics to talk about. But how are they supposed to find out if it’s just a nice conversation, or if I want to meet them again, or if I want to go on a date with them?
But how are they supposed to find out if it’s just a nice conversation, or if I want to meet them again, or if I want to go on a date with them?
If I’m having a friendly chat with someone and I suggest we meet again in a different setting, wouldn’t that be a clear enough sign?
I’d say yes. That’d be a clear sign. And bordering on what I’d call flirting. If you say “Hey, I really enjoyed that conversation, let’s meet for a coffee some day, how can I text you?”
It’d say it’s polite and does the job. And there’s no need to be super explicit, unless you want to initiate a one-night-stand.
If you say “Hey, I really enjoyed that conversation, let’s meet for a coffee some day, how can I text you?”
When given chance, this is basically the way I go about it. Just a quick on-the-side question: How quickly do you usually suggest something like that?
And bordering on what I’d call flirting.
What would you call flirting?
Just a note about flirting, communication, and fear of rejection.
If you’re being subtle in a conversation to avoid coming on too strong and form a relationship… don’t be. Any relationship you form by cloaking your personality will weaken when you reveal your true self.
The goal in dating shouldn’t be to form a relationship, it should be to form a good relationship. Jumping into a bad relationship that you just barely work in is going to waste your time and cause a lot more grief than anything else.
If my advice is a bit surprising that’s fair - there’s a reason the divorce rate is so high among young couples and you really don’t want to go through that experience.
Really good points.
Own yourself, your goals, your intentions. People can sense/read when your behaviour doesn’t seem to align with what we think is concealed intentions.
Nearly all people enjoy when someone has the sense of self to be forward.
I don’t know why everyone else here says “No.” Maybe it’s down to preference. I usually like people not just for their outer appearance, but to a greater degree for their intelligence, wits, humor, similar perspective on life… And it just takes time to talk about all of that. So, I rather keep it down with being suggestive and just let things play out. Took me a long time. But everyone is different.
I’m not sure if I have a good definition of flirting. I’m more a problem-oriented person. I do whatever gets the job done. If I want to meet someone again, I just tell them that, as you said. And I usually don’t have any ulterior motives. And I’m currently not in the dating game, so I’m pretty much relaxed on parties and social events in that regard. But I think I’ve always gone to social events to have fun, and not so much to do dating.
It depends a bit on who your target audience is. I think it’s usually a good idea to roughly be how you are and not play some role. But I’m not a dating expert, so I might be wrong.
I don’t know why everyone else here says “No.” Maybe it’s down to preference.
Well, at least it makes the discussion more interesting.😅
And I usually don’t have any ulterior motives.
Well I for one usually do have said ulterior motives (I want to see them romantically). Shouldn’t I then be a bit more (flirtatiously) direct with them?
Sure. I think being honest is a solid choice, generally speaking. There is some etiquette. If you’re way too direct, you might be perceived as a creep. But you certainly have to do something, or it won’t lead anywhere.
Telling people you want to stay in contact, or you think they’re attractive, or you like their outfit, or whatever people do for flirting seems to be alright. Some people crack jokes and try to be funny, or interesting… Whatever floats your boat. I think the one important thing is to read the room. See if they’re comfortable. And if they enjoy talking to you, or if you’ve just cornered them and are monologuing. Most (not all) people can do that. And I’d say as long as everyone is comfortable, it’s the right thing. I mean you have to send some signals for them to know what’s up with you. So yeah, that kind of directness might be helpful. And after that, spending time together (and not just in a larger group) is a signal, too, in my opinion.
I don’t think there is any general, correct way of doing it. It just depends on the situation, on who you are, and especially what the other person likes.
It is not. That is just friendship.
No.
Yes.
Depends on context, and the non-verbal signals you give.
Nah, just means you enjoy somebody’s company. Not strictly romantically. If anything, being direct is probably best if your not skilled with proper flirting.
Flirting comes in a lot of forms. It should spring naturally, a fair bit more naturally with experience. But awkward flirting isn’t always a bad vibe either. On a date just let go of specific goals, be there to have a good time, being open to whatever that can entail as you connect. If you fixate on specific goals, you might overthink and become paralyzed when the date inevitably doesn’t go as planned. Try to be in a happy, relaxed headspace.
Generally flirting is pretty important, because it should be a natural, unforced extension of both parties feeling safe, being light-hearted, and having fun. But don’t try to force it.
You exchange dick pics on adam4adam and figure out where to hook up. Pretty straight forward imo
I’ve been flirting with my wife for 30 years
There’s active flirting, and then there’s unconscious, passive flirting that happens purely out of being genuinely interested in a person.
I am not a great active flirter, but I do know that my words and body language will do the heavy lifting, unconsciously.
Perhaps you’re in the same boat?
I am not a great active flirter, but I do know that my words and body language will do the heavy lifting, unconsciously.
This is actually quite interesting, because it’s not always something you can really control on especially if you’re unaware of it. My wife noticed it and mentioned, because she saw me “flirting” with someone else and I legitimate didn’t have any romantic interests or flirting in mind there.
Of course you could say it was over jealousy from her part but also I kind of learned that to respect her I need to be more careful to not leave wrong impression
I am not a great active flirter, but I do know that my words and body language will do the heavy lifting, unconsciously.
Perhaps you’re in the same boat?
I would say, yes. However, it has been somewhat of a fruitless endeavour for me. (rightly or wrongly so)
What do you think flirting is, OP?
Romantic/sexual banter.
Flirting is a pretty nebulous term.
My personal definition of flirting is any positive expression or behavior which:
- Is an exception to your typical behavior or affect.
- Targeted at a specific person, typically someone new.
- Is heightened or marked by increased volume, nervousness, etc.
examples:
A typically reserved guy pulling you aside and animatedly asking about your interest.
A woman who normally doesn’t touch you is repeatedly teasing you about your shirt, pulling on the fabric.
A good friend begins to repeatedly and unexpectedly invite you over for one on one movie nights despite obvious inconveniences.
That’s just my opinion, though. I believe most people are looking for these heightened expressions of flirting to confirm interest.
I feel like flirting isn’t really something people do while dating nowadays. I (and probably some other women) find it more annoying if you wanna get to know the other person. Most flirting I like is after you’re already in a relationship, because you can be sure that the other person is safe and not a creep. Of course you still need to find a way to show interest
Of course you still need to find a way to show interest
Do you have any tips on how to do that?
Try to get to know her. Ask follow up questions to show you’re actually listening. Tell her you are interested in another date afterwards. Stuff like that, even if it sounds generic
