I don’t fit very well with the idea of masculinity. I’m just a goofy nerd with a gentle personality and the desire to make others happy. I have always wanted to look soft and approachable; I have smooth, rounded facial features, wavy hair, big glasses, and a clean-shaven face. My personality is utterly non-threatening. I love caring for people, I enjoy being silly and whimsical, I’m a bit clumsy and get flustered easily, I wouldn’t hurt a fly (unless I had to), and I’m polite to a fault. My paradise is a warm, cozy, quiet safe haven surrounded by cute plushies.
I’m not manly in the slightest, and I love being that way. I’m a total softie through and through, and I purposely align my appearance with my personality. I look gentle because I am gentle.
I have always been treated differently than my male peers. Many people are inexplicably nicer or softer on me even if they barely know me. Female friends have fawned over me, calling me things like “cute,” “adorable,” and “sweetheart,” and expressing a desire to protect me. And I love it. I don’t find it offensive or infantilizing at all.
Through extensive introspection, I later figured out that care and nurturing are incredibly attractive to me, and the funny tickle I felt whenever I was shown care and protection by my female friends was actually a subtle tinge of attraction. It’s rather curious that my personality and gender expression just happened to develop in such a way to subconsciously solicit that kind of attention.
This is all well and good, but I worry that this makes me categorically unsexy due to my intentional suppression of gendered characteristics and desire to give off pure, wholesome vibes. Could I really be sexually desirable if I’m the kind of person who apologizes to trees for bumping into them? Some women have even teasingly called me a “Christian” or “virgin” because of this perceived innocence, suggesting that some people do indeed associate my personality with sexual restraint or abstinence.
In reality, I absolutely do want a sexual relationship, and I have always imagined myself treating a partner with the same gentle caregiving energy that I myself crave. I don’t do “naughty” or “dominant”; I would view a partner’s body as something to passionately take care of, not something to tease or conquer.
I would appreciate some outside perspective on this. Thanks!
bro that is manly as fuck. keep doing you because it’s hella manly to be gentle and caring and nurturing.
you need to stop worrying about all that “not alpha/sigma male = not attractive” self-doubt. you also need to stop worrying about your attractiveness. you’re already attractive to some people. just find people you really enjoy hanging out with one on one, and eventually you’ll land a partner.
This. Exactly this.
Trying to be what others consider desirable or normal is really just a kind of lack of strength in your own personality. True strength is when you can be yourself, don’t pretend and simply live the way you want to be. Your friends will be true friends because they will know you without pretense. Anyone who doesn’t find you attractive in this way is the wrong partner.
I have no doubt that you can find a lovely woman who is attracted to you. I used to be a girl fawning over a guy calling him cute and we’ve been together for ten years now. Maybe it is helpful to drop some hints that you are looking for a (hetero) relationship, like invite your girlfriends to help you swipe on tinder/bumble, let them know what you are looking for.
Theres a fish for every net, my friend
Here’s the thing. Most women I’ve met aren’t superficial. If you were to gather a bunch of girls and get them to rank each other by attractiveness, you’d effectively get them ranked by extroversion. Also, a bunch of the stereotypical manly things make for bad partners.
I think a lot of the signals you are sending will be recieved as Dad Material. This means you will only attract girls that want to settle down and who imagine a future where you and a little mini version of them are having the best princess tea parties. I see this as a blessing, but this also means you will attract the crazy ones who want you to impregnate them immediately right now.
I am pretty similar to how you described yourself. Four years ago, i also was in a similar rut, although i had dated several girls at that point. Three years ago, I met a girl that was literally everything I wanted in a partner and more. A year and a half ago, I proposed to her, and this year we are going to get married. As far as I know, literally everyone who meets me tells her she’s got the most amazing partner and that she’s so lucky to have such a caring, polite sweetheart as her future husband. The only person who doesn’t like me is her Karen of a mom, because I think she envisioned her perfect little girl marrying a rocket surgeon or something. I think this is similar to how you’ll end up.
Also, if I’m reading you right, you sound like either a teen or a new adult, since you’re still figuring yourself out. As an adult, I never had a hard time getting a partner; I suspect you won’t either. Just keep working on yourself.
Rather than worry about trying to be universally attractive to everyone, think about the type of partner you want to be attractive to. There’s certainly no shortage of potential partners who are into that. Anyone who isn’t wouldn’t be the right fit for you anyway.
For me, it boils down to someone who’s nurturing and physically affectionate. I envision a relationship that’s cuddly and caring on both sides.
I probably could have phrased my original question better. I don’t care about being “sexually desirable” to as many women as possible; I only care about being desirable to enough people that finding someone to start a relationship with is a practical possibility. This post is about my lack of understanding of how sexual attraction fundamentally works. I’m essentially asking if sexual attraction is highly polarized—targeting either strong masculine or strong feminine presentations—with minimal reaction to more androgynous presentations.
I don’t care about being “sexually desirable” to as many women as possible; I only care about being desirable to enough people that finding someone to start a relationship with is a practical possibility. This post is about my lack of understanding of how sexual attraction fundamentally works. I’m essentially asking if sexual attraction is highly polarized—targeting either strong masculine or strong feminine presentations—with minimal reaction to more androgynous presentations.
Added emphasis, as it kind of answers your own question. Being sexy to someone isn’t universal. There’s certainly things more women tend to find sexy; but it’s not an absolute by any means. Think of all the happily married people you have met (assuming you live in a fairly large community). Or even consider all of those in long-term relationships. Not every man in every relationship is super fit and sexy, right? Nor were all the men such when they first met their partner. It is not a requirement! And if you know enough such couples you’ll realize appearances of the men in them run the gambit from hot-bod to dad-bod and beyond. And if fact most people in happy relationships are far from the media archetype of “sexy male” as you allude to in your original post.
Not every woman is a lingerie supermodel; not every man is a bodybuilder or Hollywood heartthrob. Yet so many people are able to find relationships where they each find each other sexually desirable. Just randomly scroll through strangers (real poeple) on a social media of your choice and you’ll see happy couples with all variety of body types and appearances.
I don’t believe it is at all polarised. I’ve had friends who found me attractive and came onto me when I had long hair, but aren’t into me now that I’m more masculine looking.
Attraction is certainly primal on some level, but I don’t think we’re simple enough to have our preferences work in only one of two ways. The key is to know what you want, and have access to the side of yourself that embraces those desires. It is a simpler matter for some.
Echoing what I’m seeing others say, always know that you’re someone’s type. It’s hard to imagine there’s not a Steven Universe fan out there who would see you as way out of their league.
I see no issue here. A man can absolutely be ‘cute’ without being any less of a man. Masculinity isn’t about rugged looks, strength, dominance, or any of that shit. It’s about self confidence (not arrogance, just being comfortable being yourself) and giving to others, both of which you seem to do well.
Honestly, I’m surprised you haven’t found a partner to match you yet.
I fundamentally disagree with your premise. Being caring, vulnerable, gentle is in no way incompatible with being manly. All require a lot of courage, strength, and intelligence. I do not think that manliness should be defined by its most toxic representatives.
I also heard an interesting take on this: we technically do not have a definition of what “manliness” means, as currently society is built around hating and oppressing women. Boys are told “don’t be a girl”, pretty much - don’t cry, don’t be ‘emotional’, don’t compromise, etc.
I think you should be grateful that you weren’t indoctrinated into being an abuser and instead managed to become a “real man”.
If you have trouble breaking the friendship barrier, consider getting in touch and expressing your romantic side more, because the qualities you describe are super attractive
I used the word “manly” here as a shorthand for traditional masculinity, which I assumed was how it’s used colloquially; I don’t mean to assert that men are defined by traditional masculinity. My concern (more like blind superstition) is that a preference for many of those features (minus the misogyny) are biologically wired, and that having very few of these characteristics is inherently unattractive to most male-attracted people. It’s a fear that traditional masculinity is an inescapable standard and opting out leads to extreme difficulty in finding relationships. I asked this question because I want evidence that it’s safe to ignore gender roles entirely.
I think you should be grateful that you weren’t indoctrinated into being an abuser
Funnily enough, I kind of was. I was raised by far right extremists whose beliefs were so obviously evil and cruel that I sought outside information through the Internet as a teen. Most of what I saw there was right-leaning, but far less openly bloodthirsty, so it was more palatable to me to consume. But because of this, I deeply internalized right-wing social constructs, including most of the lies about women that are used to justify misogyny and patriarchy.
This programming socially stunted me. I hated myself because I didn’t live up to masculine standards and I was bullied for it at home and school. I wasn’t interested in women because I was indoctrinated into believing they were helpless damsels who wanted to be controlled, which, especially seeing my parents’ abusive relationship, felt grossly exploitative to me. I decided to just lay low and be polite, accepting that I was inferior due to my lack of machismo.
Even though I avoided others and had no confidence, I still had people, mostly women, who wanted to reach out and get to know me. They praised the softer traits that I tried to hide, and I found myself admiring many of their tough and protective personality traits. That deprogrammed me from gender norms, but only for platonic connections. Whether or not it was safe to ditch gender norms for romantic connections was an open question for me. So getting helpful feedback to this question has helped boost my confidence on that a lot!
My brother, unfortunately, never challenged his programming. He tells me that all women are the same, they all want to be ruled over by men, and LGBTQ+ women are straight people in denial. A few weeks ago, he literally killed his girlfriend’s cat for “misbehaving.” Instead of breaking up, they just casually replaced the cat with a different one. So yeah, the people I grew up around are so unhinged that it radicalized me into becoming normal.
Don’t feel bad for being cute, you do you - which also may or may not be the dream of a woman 1+ ft. taller than you.
Alas, that’s a tough find given that I’m over 6 feet tall, but the idea of a shorter woman making herself taller to kiss my forehead (by standing on a step or stool) somehow became even more appealing to me lol.
Not so uncommon a situation as you might assume, there are plenty of shortstacks willing to work with the height discrepancy.
you just need more cool friends. feminine men are out there dating lesbians all the time.
Two thoughts on this:
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There are probably way more men out there than you think that feel very similar, but are ashamed to be open about this, especially towards male peers, and therefore build a facade of manly manliness that doesn’t reflect their actual personality.
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There are probably way more women out there than you think that like exactly this personality. Dude, a lot of women like women. Women are usually not very manly. So if there are enough women liking women, there are enough women liking dudes like you. Don’t worry. Lots of women aren’t attracted to macho-type guys at all.
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Most people are attracted to others or not attracted to other based on visual information and pheromone information. Then secondarily, people become more or less attracted to someone based on personality.
So if your personality is not dominant and comes across as submissive or mild, that really probably has zero impact at all on the initial attraction of others.
Did you see some of the guys at the Oscars this year?
Colman Domingo SLAYED it.
https://www.instyle.com/best-dressed-men-oscars-2025-11689188
We can have sash belts now? Nobody told me!
Dude looks like he’s straight out of Star Trek tos. I’m absolutely here for it.
Love that look.
Dress uniform FTW!
Yes you can! I’m quite the same way and you may enjoy checking out [email protected] :3
Aww you’re always posting cute stuff like this on Lemmy. Keep up the cuteness haha!
Aww thank you! I’ll try <3
You can, but overall women won’t appreciate it. For all the talk, nearly every couple you see outside is conventional.
So you’ll be looking at 1% of your dating pool, and having to find a suitable match from that reduced choice.
This guy doesn’t sound basic so why would he want those basic bitches? 😂
Do you wanna be mostly/sorta/un happy with someone that was easy to get because you were role playing someone else, or do you want to be truly happy with the person that accepted you as you are, but took a lot more effort to find?
Different people will make different choices in that situation. Everyone has to decide for themselves.
Bro, I’d love to change with you. I tend to be the opposite, I fear I often come off as aggressive and rude when in fact I am only pissed off at a computer for beeping the wrong way all week.
You say you have some (good) friends, have you considered just asking that? “How do you perceive me, I worry I look <x>?”
