Your mum is hurt and this is okay but the manipulation is not. As Judge Judy always said to divorced parents who tried to use their children against each other. , “You need to love your children more than you hate each other.”

Your Mom is hurting and lashing out.

You don’t need to fight her battles for her. But you can support her by spending time with her. If she doesn’t appreciate that, you can stop.

My dad tried this same trick and wanted to influence my relationship with my mom (who had an affair). I told him I understand his feelings but that he could never talk that way to me again or I would cut him out of my life immediately. This is my mom you’re talking about.

I can’t have other folks then myself decide who I interact with. It’s not like I’m taking sides or feel great about her actions, but I wasn’t gonna stop seeing her because it hurts someone else.

I never was that direct with my parents before, but it felt like if that line would be crossed it would all come crumbling down.

I feel you. I went through a similar ordeal 30 years ago with my dad. You should not be in the middle. It’s your parents business about their marriage. Therapy is good suggestion from others.

Your mom shouldn’t use you in the fight with your dad. This is something which happens often, but ends up traumatizing the child.

No matter the fight they have, they should always be there for you as a parent and leave their stuff between them. You are not a pawn, you’re their kid. She’s your mother, he’s your father and nothing is going to change that.

My bad advice for this situation would be for you to start planning on pursuing the mindset for independent living.

People sometimes cheat, not okay, but it happens. Most likely the marriage wasn’t going so well, and he got some attention he wanted from someone else. Your mother is hurt and angry. But she does not have the right to deny your continued contact and bond with your dad.

There is no good reason mentioned in your post to end your relationship with your dad to end.

However, how the divorce is handled is more important in my opinion. If he in some major way makes sure she gets a bad unfair deal, then things are different. If he not only cheats, but also does not share in a fair manner, then he is really hurting your mother in a way that is harder to accept.

No you’re not wrong for wanting to keep your dad in your life. Any reputable family counselor would say your mom shouldn’t be asking you to pick a side. Your mom does need support though, but it isn’t your job. What your dad did sounds really hurtful to her, as it would be for most people. Maybe he is your best friend, but being a parent is more than being a friend. It means being a role model & wanting to teach things like honesty & respect, especially for the people you’re supposed to love.

Has your dad offered to pay for counseling for you to process these things & talk to a professional about? It sounds like you could probably use it. I don’t know how old you are, but given that you’re asking the question here & the way you’re asking leads me to believe you’d be much better off talking to a professional about it.

I don’t think it’s wrong for you to want a relationship with your dad, but it is weird that you kind of brush over the cheating. Your father had an affair, does that not affect you? You don’t even look at him a little different? Do you not understand why your mom is lashing out or why she’s as hurt as she is? Again, I do not think her request is reasonable, but this woman, from what I’m getting from the post, was cheated on, publicly enough that it was a big scandal, lost her husband, her home, and her son. While everyone is having a great time with the mistress, she’s seemingly alone with no one in her corner telling her how what she went through was hurtful and offering her some comfort. You’re like, “he’s my best friend, so I don’t really care, him cheating on my mother didn’t change anything to me, it’s not like he cheated on me.”

Relationships are complicated. I don’t know what your relationship with your mom is, but if she wasn’t abusive and you do have some affection for her (even if she isn’t your best friend), I would talk to her. Both of you should explain how you’re feeling. Maybe she wants you with her because she thinks you like being around her as much as she likes being around you, maybe she thinks you two are closer than you actually are, or maybe she’s nuts and is making one final attempt to control. But your mom as seemingly lost everything important to her by putting her foot down against cheating while everyone is like, “finally, she’s gone. Just swap her out with a younger version.” I don’t know a lot of people who wouldn’t be hurt by that.

Don’t let her use you as leverage.

Shitty men marry shitty women and have shitty kids.

Ah the circle of life.

I don’t get how nothing changed for you? Maybe you’re next if a hot new son comes along? Anyway, ofc she shouldn’t demand that but it’s totally understandable when you’ve been betrayed by your family. Really, go to her. She doesn’t choose, but your dad is a major asshole that isn’t honest with his closest people. It’s not good for you to absorb that kind of life. It will punish you your entire life. Yeah. I’m giving you my opinion. You don’t need to do what your mom says, but if you don’t take care of her now she could be ruined forever. I don’t know you, but I know that you deserve a better role model than someone that isn’t man enough to admit he likes a younger girl. Also probably get you therapy. It is more important now than ever probably, and make sure your mom does too if she doesn’t flip back. I’m not saying don’t talk to dad anymore, but jesus christ he’s got a new kid to be with, and you just got a job. I don’t know your age but not stepping up now could be much more devastating than maturing too early. Just trust. People with no respect for themselves will never respect you and vice versa. You make tour own reality.

Ask her to imagine the following: let’s say she ends up being really close to your spouse one day, like she couldn’t have imagined a better pick. The two of them become super close, but as the years go on, for whatever reason, you end up having an affair. Now ask her if she would go no contact with you because maintaining a relationship would condone your actions and ignore your spouse’s suffering.

If she says no, then maybe she could see a bit of where you’re coming from. If she says yes, well then I would wonder if a lack of empathy was part of the reason your dad sought a relationship elsewhere (not that that justifies cheating).

When you choose to forgive someone you’re not necessarily forgiving their mistake. It’s not condoning, it’s giving someone another chance to do better. Forgiving and protecting against risks isn’t mutually exclusive, it just takes more effort to do both.

You should do whatever you want to. Don’t let your mother guilt trip you into cutting off a family member due to beef she has with him (regardless of whether it’s justified).

It’s frustrating to hear about parents treating their children like pawns in a break-up. I can see the temptation but it’s extremely unfair. Regardless of what people will tell you on lemmy/reddit losing contact with a parent is not a normal thing, even if some people have cut off their family members in extreme circumstances.