32m here and ive been on dating apps for over 10 years and think they’ve gotten worse since the whole swiping algorithm. I always do max swipes daily on fb dating, tinder, and bumble with minimum to no success. Tinder being the worst of the three. Ik irl is better, I just am not good at it with social anxiety and overthinking. Anybody find what works on these apps if you’re an average looking man?
Absolutely. It’s Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start. But you didn’t hear it from me.
This may sound like an odd question, but why are you dating? What are you seeking out that you don’t have now?
I guess what I’m trying to say is my philosophy is to not go out of the way to find someone directly, but rather build one’s own self confidence and communal hobbies that naturally draws you to people, friends or love interests alike.
Ironically I ended up meeting my soul mate within a year of committing to being content with being single. That altered my mindset and I guess made me more attractive and focused on self-improvement.
Because I never had a partner and it’s frustrating
I’ve been there. Always been awkward, always struggled with it, always had complex emotions about it. I can confirm though what the previous person said: building yourself up as someone with your own rich world that people would be interested in, that’s the healthiest way. You should try as much as possible to do this, I know it’s hard. I know you just feel like it’s never your turn. But you have to try. I’ve never met anyone on dating apps but that’s also because I used to go out a lot for specifically this reason. But pubs and clubs aren’t exactly healthy, it lead more to wasted years, wasted money, and meaningless hookups that left me just as miserable… It was eventually when I took up traveling with organized groups (where I could socialize with like-minded strangers around a healthy topic that we had in common) that I met my current partner.
Nice. I hear ya there
Don’t bother. I’ve tried so many of them and they’re almost all shit.
After a long discussion with all of my co-workers comparing everyone’s experience, it would be safe to assume that they do not work effectively. They are a commercial product whose entire purpose is to make money. The algorithms are designed to keep people on the app as long as possible. They don’t work on purpose. Every single person in the discussion that met their SO on an app, were marched because some sort of fluke or exception. It only works when the pattern is broken. We were even calling people’s SOs up to hear their full stories.
Never used any apps but I’ve gotten some decent connections and a few meetups from craigslist (back when when it had personals ads) and (believe it or not) more recently, reddit. Just write literate messages that are responsive to what the other person wrote, instead of being generic.
Also, proofread your responses very thoroughly before sending. Make sure that the grammar and punctuation is all perfect. The slightest error can be a huge negative in how well your response is received. Why is that? I don’t know. But I’ve seen multiple people comment on this. Some have come out and told me that they responded to me because of it. It really matters.
Reddit has apparently just ditched its PM system in favor of a chat system. That seems pretty terrible for those of us who prefer to write carefully.
You basically need to buy premium. It sucks and is predatory but it makes a huge difference. I would drop $20 on boosts Thursday afternoon and end up getting a date for Friday/Saturday maybe 2/3 of the time. About 75% of my matches came from paying for buffs.
Posted this 2 years ago and dug it up for you!
Here to offer hope and advice to anyone that’s given up. I’m a 52-yo American male and have knocked it out the park with dating apps. In the 4-years since my wife left, thank god, I’ve had 15-20 dates and 5 steady gf’s for a bit. Getting married 11/24 if y’all want to come!
Pro tips:
- Post a variety of pics. Nothing controversial like guns, dead animals, any other women your age. Or your fucking truck/motorcycle/sports car. If your Confederate flag bed sheets are really important to filter people, go ahead I guess. If the person you’re looking at does not have a wide range of pics, red flag. Women are great at glamour shots. Take the worst pic of the bunch and assume that’s what they look like IRL. Worst case, you’re pleasantly surprised. (Happened to me many times!)
- Don’t be too judgmental. All you’re aiming for is a first date, see how it goes. What’s it cost a man? Dinner for two? Better yet, I dated a woman who said neither party should pay anything on the first date. If you don’t click, no one’s out anything. Go to a park, thrift storing, antique mall, whatever floats your boat. It costs nothing to walk around, talk and gauge each other’s interests and mutual attraction.
- Sorry, but this bit can be expensive. Sign up for half-a-dozen sites. If you’re fishing, it’s best to bait 6 poles vs. one, right? Try the free options of course, see how it goes, but spread yourself around as much as possible. You never know. And that bears repeating. You never know what will happen. More on that shortly.
- Keep initial communication short and sweet. Too much gets lost in text, too many misunderstandings. "Hey! Love (something in their post that you’re seriously interested in, or why else are you contacting them)! (question about something you want to know about them)? Want to (go to the park, get coffee, go thrift storing, whatever)? And then go on the damned date, and do it ASAP, before something stupid happens like a misunderstood text, other plans/dates cropping up, whatever. Just go. If I have to say, “Don’t be an ass and pressure for the date.”, you’re not ready for a relationship.
How I met my fiancé:
She hit me up on eHarmony. Gods that site sucks. Only date I ever got there. Blew her off because her pics were… not so great. She had nothing interesting to say about herself, barebones bio. 3-months later I’m revisiting and saw her “like”. “Yeah, what about this girl again?” She posted more about herself, and more attractive pics and here we are.
Swiping right “too much” lowers your hidden “social score” which determines who you are shown to
I don’t swipe right all the time but I’m also not super picky
Me and my partner met on a dating app and we’ve been together for years. Idk I hate dating apps, but there’s no rules. You can meet someone anywhere. I’m kinda shy, so dating app worked for me
I am very awkward when it comes to women so yeah it would be nice if the apps worked
Just treat her with respect and be a good listener. Maybe my perception is skewed but it seems like most men can’t do that these days. For context, I’m also a man.
Edit: also want to add, find someone that makes you feel secure. Being in a secure relationship may take time if you’re anxious or avoidant, but it’s worth it. Don’t waste time on people that play games. Even if it’s fun, there is no substitute for a secure relationship
sexy horny gay dudes are always ready to show you what a real sexual revolution looks like.
Remember when conservatives used to say it was a choice? If it was a choice, I would have lost my virginity a lot sooner.
Same here. I’m like a classic bear IRL and I get attention. My luck with women is nowhere close.
As a woman my advice is as follows: be a decent and caring human being who does something positive for others on a daily basis. Needy and deceptive behavior drives away people who are attracted to you.
This is a good idea in general, however this doesn’t help when it comes to getting the first interest, because how can you tell if someone is really genuine about caring from a few words on a profile?
But yeah, my girlfriend wanted to start dating me not because I am the most attractive person, but because I am always nice to her and to people in general. To me it seems crazy to not be, but I guess not everyone is like that.
It is not your words but your actions that indicates that you are caring and first interest is not rational for anyone so no point in trying to game it as it only comes off as non-genuine.
This is not useful advice for dating apps.
While that is true, i think it also nicely points out that dating apps are actually not a great way to find a partner anymore
I mean, they were never, like, a fun way to meet a partner. But they certainly are a way.
i can see that, certainly. and there are cases where they are unavoidable. But still (and i show my age here) I’d still rather avoid them if at all possible
A totally understandable take. On the other hand, I personally find them quite useful, and don’t think they should be dismissed out of hand. And I think that if someone wants advice on using them effectively (going back to my original post in this thread), that they should be given advice on using them effectively - not platitudes.
True but OP’s question was about dating apps, where the other person is shown your picture and prewritten blurb, and spends at most a few seconds deciding whether to swipe left or right. I can very easily understand a swipe-right ratio of well under 1%. So I think the question was about how to get past that.
You don’t prefer attractive people?
There is no universal definition of attractive for all people, women, men, robots or space aliens.
Be your true self and if you look far enough, you’ll be someone’s fantasy ( no guarantees on if you will find them attractive as well ).
Even if only 1 in 10 million people think of you as their fantasy; that means you have 800+ possible partners to choose from.
Rephrasing, you don’t prefer people who you find attractive?
Attractive for me is about the contents of one’s mind and heart.
I prefer my husband; who could gain or lose more than a 100 lbs and I would still be attracted to him. (Not that I wouldn’t encourage him to be healthy, so we can share more years together)
Wow, that is really sweet. For most people I think physical attractiveness plays a much bigger role, especially on dating apps where it’s just a picture or two and a bio.
If any of the said 800 people are reading this, drop me a line :D
My friend bought a camera, learned to take good pics and we made ourselves a photo session. It helped, I got more matches, but I couldn’t get along with any of them. Well, I did with one until I fucked it up…
Anyway, I ended up joining an AuDHD meet up group on FB and soon after my now girlfriend posted and we’re now 1.5 year together
I think it’s swipe up 2x, swipe down 2x, swipe left 2x, swipe right 2x, B, A, Start
That’s just the normal cheat code. You have to fast open your calculator at the end and type 666 for goth girls.
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I’ve had pretty good success with online dating in the past, and my current long-term relationship (3.5 years) is a lovely woman I met on Tinder. When we first matched, neither of us was looking for something long-term. For me, it helped to look at dating apps as just a first impression, which means you don’t want to overwhelm someone with your profile. My advice is going to be tailored to Tinder, because it’s where I had the most success. That’s probably due to sheer volume though. It also worked on Bumble, but I have no experience with FB Dating, so I can’t speak to that.
When selecting pictures to use, there’s a couple things I would suggest. •Always include multiple pictures with friends or family. People swiping on your profile will want to know that you have a social life, and you’ll probably look happier in pictures with others. •Try to also include pictures that reveal a hobby or interest of yours rather than talk about it in your bio. I’ll elaborate on this point later. •Be honest and kind to yourself and think about what makes you attractive to others. Personally, I’ve been told that my laugh is infectious, so I went with a candid picture of myself laughing with my friends. Dates have specifically pointed that picture out as the one that sold them on me. There’s something that sets you apart, you just have to identify it. •You don’t have to completely avoid pictures of yourself alone or selfies, but you have to be intentioned when including these. Is it a picture where you look really good? Is the composition of the photo interesting or different? Does it show off your flair or sense of style? Is it one of the aforementioned hobby photos? If you can’t answer yes to at least one of these questions, it probably shouldn’t be included. A picture with just you is going to lead to heightened scrutiny of the only subject that is of any interest to someone looking at your profile: you. Make sure it showcases you well.
I personally like to keep the bio short and sweet. The point of the bio is to give them enough information to want to know more about me. They don’t need my life story, and they probably don’t want to read a wall of text. If you match, you want to give them space to ask questions about you so that the conversation doesn’t go stale. If they can look it all up in your bio, it becomes redundant to ask. To that end, my own bio was only two lines: my height and a statement that was funny and personal. I always included my height because I’m on the shorter side (5’7) and I know it’s a dealbreaker for some. I’m fine with that, since I’m not trying to waste their time or my time. The second line was “My mom cuts my hair.” It’s true, and to me it was funny in an unexpected way. It also revealed that I have a good relationship with my mother. However, I later learned that some people just thought it was a joke, so maybe it didn’t come across the way I intended. You could definitely find something that works for you in between the wall of text and my completely barebones bio.
Lastly, and this might not be the easiest because you mentioned having social anxiety, but you should be looking to go on a physical date as soon as possible. It’s where I really got to know the people that I matched with, and let me better figure out whether it was someone I could see myself in a relationship with. An in-person date doesn’t have to mean something serious. I prefer coffee dates, which I’ve read that some women see as a sign that you’re not serious about them or a cheapskate. I’m here to tell you that those women don’t exist, or at least never did for me 3.5+ years ago, so don’t worry about it. It’s a casual setting where either party can leave if they’re not feeling it, and many people appreciate that. If the date goes well enough, it can swing into lunch or dinner pretty easily. Dating is a skill, and it’s a pretty different skillset than being in a relationship. The only way to improve at dating is to actually go on dates, so push yourself to ask for them. Chances are, if they’re still messaging you back after a day or two, they’re interested enough to go on a date.
I tried to be as comprehensive as possible, but please let me know if there’s anything you want further clarification on. I’d be happy to help, and I’m rooting for you :)
Thank you. Appreciate the advice
Seconding this advice.
I think also for me it helped to think of it as a long term effort. Trying to get into a relationship as fast as possible isn’t really realistic or healthy. Once I stopped trying to hard to pull everyone I was interested in, I felt a lot more comfortable being myself and just shooting my shot, if it didn’t hit or we didn’t vibe it was ok.
Definitely agree that it’s a skill, and the more you do it the more comfortable you’ll be. You’ve got this!
Good advice. I also would say for me it was just the speed of going from a match to a Meetup. Text was always dishonest and just spending an hour over a drinks or something told me everything I needed to know. Id rather cast into the strange and know vs getting all the right texts.
