I’ve noticed a pattern in my friendships that I’m struggling with, and I’d love to hear other people’s perspectives.
Whenever I suggest something I genuinely want to do with friends, the plans always get changed around — often to fit schedules or budgets — until they no longer resemble what I originally suggested. By the time we meet up, I usually don’t enjoy the activity itself, though I still value being with my friends.
This cycle tends to repeat:
I suggest something → it gets reshaped into something I don’t want → we meet up but I’m bored/miserable → then we don’t talk for 6–12 months until someone breaks the silence.
Recently, I’ve made a change: I started doing the things I enjoy on my own, without waiting for friends. For the first time, I’ve actually been happy doing what I love — but it also means I’m doing them alone.
Part of why I’m trying this is because I’ve lost friends in the past from being visibly miserable all the time when I adapted to things I didn’t actually like. Honestly, it feels like for most of my life I never really chose my friends — I just adapted to the people around me. Now, I’d really like to choose friends who genuinely align with what I enjoy.
So here’s my question: Is it wrong to want to choose my friends? How do you balance doing what makes you happy with maintaining friendships, especially if your happiness and your current friend group don’t line up?
Any thoughts, advice, or personal experiences would be really helpful.
ai disclaimer
I’m going through a lot and instead of just dumping my feelings here I thought it would make more sense to have Chatgpt handle it.
Here’s the source chat but if you want to cite my words I’d prefer you just cite my post instead.
Regardless I stand behind Chatgpt’s output as my own words and am accountable for it as though I wrote it.
Yeah this is why I hate making plans, no one else puts in any effort into finding things to do or they don’t want to pay for anything and then every outing becomes sitting in a bar shooting shit or going to a movie that either I don’t care for or the others don’t, I usually just do things by myself these days and I enjoy it a lot more, maybe someday I’ll find friends with common interest I actually want to hang out with, for now I’ve become very comfortable being by myself
I don’t have friends.
Hello, friend.
It would be helpful to have an example (or more) of what you suggested and what ended up happening.
Other people have good advice, but I’m wondering if you are planning things which are a bit niche, or if your friends have strange interests, or if you find it difficult to enjoy normal activities.
There are lots of activities that people do that I’m not that interested in, but I’ll go along anyway and still have a good time - it wouldn’t be my first choice, and I’d be annoyed if my plans always got taken over in favour of them, but I wouldn’t be “visibly miserable” doing something like this: for example, one time we ended up going out for “electric shuffle” (just shuffleboard which is electronically scored) which is pretty expensive for what it is, but whatever. The main attraction is being with friends and interacting, anyway.
I remember one time I planned a cycling trip and everyone I invited ended up doing something else (I can’t remember what, but I remember distinctly it being something they could have done on any weekend). I was a bit miserable at that but still had a good time on my own.
Listed some of it in this comment: https://programming.dev/post/37296315/19332878
but I’m wondering if you are planning things which are a bit niche
There was variaty. I strived to recommend varying levels of specificity in the plans, anywhere from requiring tickets to just going to the park bc I’m sick of being inside.
It does sound like a good variety and not overly niche. I host a film night and we rotate who picks the film with the idea of bringing a mixture of ideas. It works a lot better than all trying to agree on something IMO.
I think your difficulty standing could be something to work on. Standing isn’t comfortable for anyone, but I think most people can stand comfortably for longer than you describe, so perhaps you can build up your strength, or perhaps you have a mild disability and would benefit from something to lean on. That might open up some of the opportunities you talk about.
I see a connection between several of the things you said that your friends don’t want to do expensive stuff. That is a common source of difficulty in friend groups, but there are lots of ideas for cheap or free days out - I’d start with walking. It’s also something that, for me at least, is something I’m very happy to do by myself and be alone with my thoughts, so I can always say, “I’m going for a walk around X on Y, anyone want to come with? I can pick you up at Z” or whatever.
I tell my friends hey im doing X on this day if you want to come. Sometimes they will say “I cant do X day can you move it?” and ill decide if I want to and if its fine then i reschedule otherwise I go without them. Plans never get changed from what I originally set.
if I just want to hangout and dont care about the activity I just ask if they want to meet up and do something making it clear the activity is open for anything. We then throw around ideas and whichever has the most interest we do.
I tell my friends hey im doing X on this day if you want to come. Sometimes they will say “I cant do X day can you move it?” and ill decide if I want to and if its fine then i reschedule otherwise I go without them. Plans never get changed from what I originally set.
So like what do you do in that case? Like I’m in my “I’m discovering myself phase” so I’m trying to learn what stuff I like to do and I need ideas, like I’d really appreciate if you could list off some specific examples, but not like generally specifc like whatever is specific to you please?
Summary of my list:
Good:
- Luxury spas
- Visiting other cities and touring apartments (Denver > NYC)
- Guided tours
- Hiking (I don’t have a car so I just walk around my town for 1-3hrs)
Bad:
- Bar standing
- Loud bar-ing
- Community centers
- Board games
- Movies
- Shopping
- Museum standing
- Deleting money at Casino’s
My friends and I dont really share any hobbies or cross over interests. All the things im deeply interested in I have to do by myself or share with anonymous people on the internet.
Drinks at home/Movies/Online or Inperson gaming/camping/road trip/swimming/going out for food/airsoft/painball
There isnt much to do in my city. Nice nature is all we got.
There isnt much to do in my city
Could I ask for reference which city you’re based in? Or local municipality within what ever legal system governs the place you live in? Whatever you’re comfortable with
Auckland City
There isnt much to do in my city.
My youngest kid just started college. I wanted to spend time with him before he left but it’s tough finding common activities between a teen and parent.
Our solution was walking around town: started as walking the dog until she couldn’t keep up, played a little Pokemon Go as an activity while walking but grew tired of it. Honestly, having nothing to do around town was a plus. It turned into basically talking for a couple hours! If we were thirsty, grab something at the nearest convenience store. We started a routine of takeout from our favorite kebab place to eat on the town common, but it was all just low key activity while talking! Just about every weekend this summer we’d take a couple hour walk around town, and just talk!
Thanks, this story inspired me to pay more attention to that for today’s plans.
Originally I agreed to overly complex logistics for a family activity because I know my ex doesn’t like to drive. But she agreed to simpler logistics that would save an hour on the schedule and save everyone else a lot of driving at the expense of her driving. This will be so much more enjoyable spending a little more time with my kid and not be in a rush to get everything done.
I find friends who enjoy the things I like to do??
How tho… like if you leave a comment like this then it’s obvious to you therefore you know then what is it that you know that you can do to “find friends who enjoy the things I like to do”?
You go to things based around what you enjoy. Conventions, shows, events, etc. ideally things where you actually get to socialize with other people
Everything sounds normal, although maybe a little sad, about all of that. In fact, it sounds like a great plan! Again, sad to do alone, but not necessarily. And you may even find those new friends doing exactly the things you like to do. Good luck to you, and enjoy your time.
the last few year’s haven’t been easy… things have gotten good enough that I want to make them better
Have you tried this:
-> You suggest [specific activity]
-> They suggest alteration
-> You say, “I actually really want to do [specific activity] this time, but we can do [their suggestion] next time!”
-> (1) They agree. Else (2) They insist on changing it
-> You ask why they don’t want to do your suggestion
-> They hopefully have an explanation you can understand so you either feel better about changing the activity, or you go to the activity alone and do their suggestion with them another time (both are just as good!)
There’s nothing rude about planning something and inviting people to the activity. If they don’t want to join they can say no and you’re still allowed to follow through with your plan.
Suggestions for activities to do on your own where your current friends can join if they want but you can also do alone and meet new people at the activity:
cooking class,
dancing class,
amateur theater/improv,
book club (I’m sure there are open book clubs to join at your local library, or you can ask the librarians to put up a flyer and start one… I do 1-on-1 book clubs with different friends at different times when we figure out a book we want to read. We just set a chapter goal and call once or twice a week to check in on each others progress and yap about our thoughts on the book so far. Not every activity needs to include the whole friend group every time - they’re all unique persons with different interests and time availability),
join an orientation club,
volunteer somewhere (I like animal shelters, but might be more interaction with other volunteers at something aimed at humans or political/societal),
visit an orchard and pick seasonal fruit/veggies (may not be super social with strangers)
join a hiking tour, especially likely to be social if it’s over several days,
go to concerts and festivals,
go to a meetup/show for motorcycles or old cars or something (initiate socialising by asking questions about, and giving people compliments on, what they brought to show off (car, MC, vinyl collection) )
What are these “friends” of which you speak?
I think it’s a television show
“Friends” are characterised as individual’s not related by any other recognizable class of relation who convert your time and attention into enrichment and fulfillment while also providing you with an optional datum point for regulating yourself (am I too far behind the people who I like for making good choices, do I have habits or addicitons that I don’t know are toxic and I need to see if other people are like this too so I can tell if I’m normal, do I like my definition of normal if not then should I find different friends who might be an environment where I can be a different normal?)
Instead of making plans with friends, plan your activity and invite friends. If you’re the defining factor, and plan your activity as it is, others may join or not.
The fewer people you involve, the more stable the plan will be as well.
You could try “I’m going to do this thing on this day. If you would like to join me, I’ll be there at this time. Let me know if you’re coming by (RSVP date) so that I can book you a spot/plate/room: it will be $this much.” And then make your plans and do them anyway.
This way it’s clear that you are doing the thing. If people say “can we do this or this instead?” you reply with “Hey, great idea! Maybe next time. I’ve already planned the other thing for this time.”
Sometimes it will be on your own. Sometimes others will want to join you. Sometimes you can join others on their quests, too, but remember to not try and change their plans to suit yourself.
You could try “I’m going to do this thing on this day. If you would like to join me, I’ll be there at this time. Let me know if you’re coming by (RSVP date) so that I can book you a spot/plate/room: it will be $this much.” And then make your plans and do them anyway.
I thought alot about doing this but I cannot wrap my head around how to actually do that? Like ok I’m gonna try to express some of my mental blocks I have right now:
- I feel rude, I feel like I’m bragging to my friends that I’m doing stuff I know they just won’t do
- If I did this then I’d have to plan for the real possibility of doing an activity alone, that’s gonna bias me towards doing things that might be less social than if I was picking things to do at random
- If I do this than how do I know if I’m being too inflexible when my friends want to make changes? In the past year I tried litterally letting go of everything and just going with the flow for a year straight and I made friends who deep down I don’t think I like, while doing things that were objectivily painful (that is a seperate thing I’m working on I need to excersise more lol). There has to be some sort of goal/point/reason to hanging out with friends and if that is nothing more or less than “I feel good when I’m with my friends” then what do I do when I don’t feel good? Do I change what it takes for me to feel good or do I change my friends?
Wow tying that last bullet point really coalesed what I wanted to ask in this post, thank you <3
It isn’t rude to tell people that you’re doing an activity and that you’re open to having company.
As for being inflexible, you’re doing an activity and inviting people, not finding something to do with people. If they want to do something else, plan to do that a different day, because you’ve already made plans.
making a decision and having an opinion is not rude. And actually, often people are glad that you’ve removed the mental labor and discussion.
I always appreciated being in the receiving end of such plans. It takes a lot of the thought out and I just need to figure out how to make the schedule. Fwiw it also makes the yes/no decision easier.
An additional reason I don’t like making plans like that is I like to think I do things on impulse. In reality I have to admit I often don’t do anything so the gift of someone making plans is appreciated even if I grumble a bit.
Make friends with people who also love what you love?
One thing every other comment has failed to mention is that, to be comfortable around other people, you must first be comfortable with yourself fully. And, because of that, I recommend you keep doing activities by yourself, and try new things by yourself, at least at first. Discover who you actually want to be, while still respecting everyone’s freedom, including your own.
I’ve learned that it’s important to spent time on my interests, and it’s important to spend time on my friends, but trying to do both at once sometimes cheapens both.
I’d suggest scheduling just chill hangouts with friends, and keep doing the wild things they can’t afford by yourself.
I started doing things that I want, and if others join me, thats awesome, if noone comes along I’ll just go alone. I’ve met a lot of new people this way and it has worked wonders on my social skills.
It allows me to get a lot of new experiences without the hassle of having some miserable being tagging along. And it gives me interesting stories to tell when I meet up with my long time friends. Some of them even want to join some of my adventures.
I started doing things that I want, and if others join me, thats awesome, if noone comes along I’ll just go alone.
Nobody knows what I do… that means I should post it on instagram but how does that help when I posted something in the past? I could post it in advance?? That feels rude!!!.
