I have this theory that with proper technique, you can beat anything you can lift in a fight. That being said, Gorillas are too heavy to lift. Conversely, you’ll likely have extreme difficulty fighting anything that’s too heavy for you to lift. Anything with natural weapons, like sharp teeth, this rule of thumb likely also doesn’t apply to. Anything larger than a cat should be considered dangerous by default.
Lots of creatures within the realm of benchable weight often have specialized defenses that could constitute a 1-hit KO if you fuck up in the slightest.
A chimp could rip your arms off. A kangaroo could crack all your ribs with a kick.
If you consider these “natural weapons” then sure, I guess that just limits you to fighting juvenile cows or something, at which point I’ll give it to you, I could probably take a newborn calf in a fight.
If you attack a calf, their mother will fuck you up, though. I suppose the lesson here is that humans should use weapons to fight animals.
Or just set up a trap so the target will fall on it while you’re running away. Don’t fuck up
I can lift a fully-grown horse above my head, and I can hold my breath for ten minutes.
To settle a wager, I once ate a pound of P.B. Fouke’s strongest badger poison and then ran a mile in the nude. I cannot feel pain, and I can see for two miles unaided by a lens. No man can kill me. I have beaten a man of every race in formal combat, including a Turk, a Pygmy Negro Man and a rare Deepwater Jew.
A medical doctor and two priests have written and signed a document confirming that I have no soul.
Wait, you think you couldn’t beat a giraffe?
One punch from my scrawny nerd warrior arms and that fucker would shrug then donkey kick me half way across the fucking Serengeti.
No, you’re approaching this the wrong way. You run towards it at full speed, then get a 45° angle and jump. While doing so, you grab their neck like a pole, and use the force to hoist yourself upon their back.
You either already killed them with this move, or you’re now on their back and holding their throat. There’s nothing a giraffe can do to throw you down or attack you now. You can just choke, and choke, and keep choking it until it falls to its knees.
You lost me at “run”. Can I bring my inhaler or does that count as a tool?
Oh, you’re American? I guess you could drive your scooter up specifically designed ramp to reach their back. Though I feel most animals wouldn’t stand a chance against you guys on their back.
It can roll over. Do you like your legs? Besides, unless you’re a lion, good luck jumping up there. And even then, you’re not choking a giraffe out. Their neck is basically only muscle.
Am I stupid, or did I miss the “rolling over”? I just saw the giraffe lady down while saying “choke me harder daddy”
Are you a 150kg murder machine with claws that can high jump several times it’s size? Even then, the lion got thrown off not once, but twice. Thinking you could fight a giraffe and win is dellusional
Lions cannot jump several times their height. They can leap forward several times their height and length. Not straight up. https://images.app.goo.gl/NhdZC
No, I lost some weight, so not quite. What lions have in claw strength, I however have in elbow strength!
I just saw the giraffe lady
Aww, I must have missed her.
That’s a typo I’ll gladly keep!
Their neck starts at 3 meter height tho.
Not the necks of teenage giraffes!
Even cats will fuck you up if they really intend to.
Only to a point though. They can break your skin, but they’re so small that you can literally throw them across the room. There’s no way a cat survives a human trying to kill them short of running away.
I think part of the problem with cats is that you don’t want to injure the cat, but the cat has no problem with injuring you. The stories I hear from people who dealt with panicking/aggressive cats are mostly about catching the cat without hurting it, while avoiding getting hurt yourself.
I was in a situation where a friend’s very aggressive cat was looking at a small lizard that escaped while I was supposed to be feeding both, but not to each other obviously. Basically I had to willingly put my hands into a blender to solve this. But I managed to get her into a different room and close the on her without hurting her in any way.
Oh, and the lizard also bit me when I picked it up to put it back into its terrarium, but at that point I was way past caring.
Goddammit. It makes me want to do drugs
What doesn’t make you want to do drugs??
Exactly, I guess that was what I was getting at. A cat will mess you up, but only as long as you tolerate it. (I love cats btw. would never dream of hurting one)
Orangutans have entered the chat. Their only natural weapons are the long guns they’re packing. Lean machine all folded up in a big skin sack. Plenty of humans could bench an adult orangutan, zero humans are winning that fight.
That being said they’re basically just a half step down the neurology ladder and 2 steps up the jungle ladder, so it makes sense that they would outclass us.
I’m pretty sure an Orangutan could lift a human, though.
way more easily than a human could lift an orangutan
Vimes picked himself up off the greasy cobbles and stared at the Librarian.
He was experiencing something which had come as a shock to many people,
usually in much more unpleasant circumstances such as a brawl started in the Mended Drum when the ape wanted a bit of peace and quiet to enjoy a reflective pint, which was this:
the Librarian might look like a stuffed rubber sack, but what it was stuffed with was muscle.GNU Terry Pratchett!
The problem with apes is that relative to their size, they have way more muscle mass than humans. They have lower myostatin levels, so their muscle density is ridiculous.
There are humans that could absolutely lift a gorilla, but there’s absolutely no chance that they could win a fight against one. Even a strongman is going to struggle against a chimp.
Humans are different because we discovered tools which meant we were more successful hunters. Since large muscles require more calories, natural selection did its thing and we got much weaker.
You know a lot of people that could lift 800lbs at all, much less when it’s fighting back with that strength? I can sled 800lbs, but no way in hell anyone is just picking that up.
There are plenty of people who can lift 800lbs in the idealized form of barbells along certain ranges of motion, such as the deadlift or squat. However, I sincerely doubt any human could lift 800lbs of dead weight gorilla, much less one that is struggling. The heaviest stones that have been lifted are in the mid 600# range, and lifting a stone is easier than lifting an equivalent weight of floppy body.
Not me personally, but strongman competitions are a thing.
Humans and performance enhancing drugs can do some crazy shit. Check out the Physical 100 show on… Netflix? Those fuckers squat 600lb like it was a fanny pack, and they’d still get wrecked.
Sort of my point. The squat bar, deadlifts, etc. aren’t fighting back. I’ll check the show out.
Ronnie Coleman is the only person on earth that I know of as being able to used to lift 800lbs. I want to bold used to his muscles got strong enough but his tendons, ligaments, and bones weren’t. His body is wrecked and can’t really move without help.
Point is even if someone could pick up 800lbs of gorilla, they ain’t doing much afterwards but getting killed by that gorilla.
The current world record for deadlifts is over 1,100lb and squats are over 1,300lb.
But yeah, they’re still going to lose.
No, we are first that way because we exhaustion hunted prey. Endurance in human is ridiculous (thanks to sweating) but we aren’t that strong. Then came the throwing, with adaptions in the shoulders. Best any other ape can “throw” is a few meters, not tens of it.
I’d fight a gorilla, and win.
It would be a gun fight, from a distance, but a fight none-the-less, and I guarantee you, I know how to shoot better than a gorilla.
I know how to shoot better than a gorilla.
Insert Planet of the Apes intro.
I’ve seen a chimp with an AK.
I wouldn’t want to fight a gorilla with a PKM.
Pshhh, those idiots gave that chimp the ak and then stood right there making a scene of it, the chimp happened to decide to pull on the trigger and the gun started firing off randomly. None of them got shot either. That gorilla is fucked.
Chimps chimp out, they’re chumps.
Gorillas are more deliberate.
Your best chance to kill a gorilla in a fight is probably to move so much air around him that he catches a f*cking cold and dies from it. If you don’t actually touch him you may even have a non-0 survival chance as he ignores you.
Yeah! I would watch that.
Isn’t that basically Roman weekend entertainment?
Can we also get Musk v Zuck as the opening?
I’d rather see Musk and Zuck and Anon vs. the Gorilla.
Gorrillas weigh between 219 and 600 lbs
According to Guiness World Records they can lift 1800 lbs.
They have an arm span of over 8 ft.
Feel free to try it but spend some time putting your estate on order, first.
An orangutan could grab a man by his feet and head and tear him in half, honestly i kind of doubt that the biggest most well trained man could even take on a chimpanzee and win without a weapon.
Assuming Anon has an estate to put in order… smh my head.
Look, Jim-Bob needs to know whether he’s getting the contents of that trailer or not.
Don’t forget the bite force. Monkeys bite.
they can lift 1800 lbs.
For a real-world comparison, ever try to move someone that’s passed out? That’s probably in the ballpark of 200lbs.
Now imagine lifting six people at once.
Current world records for a deadlift top out just shy of 1200 lbs.
Feel free to try it but spend some time putting your estate on order, first.
OP is definitely going to need a beefy insurance policy, a last will, and a pre-ordered coffin. Maybe they get ahead of the game and just give someone full power of attorney the day before. Assuming they stay in one piece, it’s possible that they could survive, but they’re going to need a new skeleton and a few vital organs to pull that off.
If I had a gun in each hand, a bandolier full of knives, and a satchel full of grenades, I might be able to take down a gorilla. But likely not before he kills me first.
Sounds like you need a bigger gun for each hand.
.500 Smith and Wesson in each hand aught to do it.
Just make sure you land the first shot center mass, cause by the third you’re gonna be shooting at planes.
You will no longer have wrists, of course, but that is a small price to pay for victory.
I have actually shot a .480 ruger. I think I’ll pass on the .500. The gorilla won’t need to do anything because I will have already offed myself trying to shoot those things one handed.
I could kick the shit out of a gorilla. Just give me a massive pile of rocks, sunscreen, 15 hours, and two Olympic swimming pools.
What are the pools for?
Swimming, usually. But for me? Also swimming. I enjoy swimming and gorillas do not.
he wouldn’t even beat a boar
Reminds me of this: https://youtu.be/na0BLwsqwcA
Why bother fight a gorilla. Just cut the forest down and polute his environment. Steal his children put them in a zoo. Cut off his hands then and turn them into ash trays. We have already dominated the natural world now we are working on dominating future generations.
I wanna be a gorilla field researcher. They’re cool. I saw a video where a wildlife photographer was following a gorilla too close, and you’re like, “that animal is fuck this guy up”, right? Nah. The gorilla punches him in the face and keeps walking.
Sauce?
Tyvm!
The gorilla will use his insides as an Onahole when he’s finished with him.
Please do it anon and make sure you film this great achievement.
just jump over the fence into the zoo enclosure with him, and you’ll probably get your chance
Humans aren’t physically violent enough to survive a much smaller creature (30-50kg), let alone fighting something just as violent but 10 times bigger.
I would really pay to watch that fight.
You would pay to watch a man get ripped apart? No thanks, I’d rather not have that image on my mind for the rest of my life.
Even something smaller like a chimp can bite straight through a human and has enough strength to rip an arm straight off.
I’m commented this elsewhere as well, but the strength of chimps is commonly overblown. An average chimp is about 1.35-1.5x stronger than a human of the same mass. Male chimps weigh in at 40-70kg, which means that a large, strong chimp is about as strong as an average 105kg man.
The bites are terrifying though. And, to be fair, a 105 kg man can easily be strong enough to deadlift 200kg, which could be enough to rip an arm off another person if they get the right lifting position.
Thanks for the citations!
What I was trying to say above is there’s a level of physical violence animals exercise and are used to that humans can never achieve. A super angry house cat would already make me not want to be around it and I am a relatively big dude.
Another example, I saw a video of a small monkey in India (I guess) removing the scalp of a human in a really fast attack (it will not hard to find the video). That for me is the problem with fighting an animal, even really small ones. They are too violent.
I think a lot of the violence aspect is due to modern culture. We humans are taught our entire lives to not be violent, and it takes time to break down that barrier. Just like a well trained dog can be abused repeatedly without starting to fight back or even bark, because they’ve been trained to never bark or bite.
I don’t think there’s any reason to believe a human in a survival situation has any less capacity for violence than any other mammal, we’re just too similar to them, and violence is so ingrained in our reptilian brain. I just think most people are never pushed to the point where they behave like a cornered cat fighting back.
The gorilla will rip his arms off and beat him to death with them before he even attempts to dodge it.
