Because women aren’t objects to play for and win like a prize in a claw machine. They’re people who have thoughts and wants and desires and aren’t interested in being treated like an object to be possessed while they’re out having fun. If you walk up and you’re obviously looking to find something to be romantically interested in, and they want to get to know people like people before anything romantic, you’re not going to have any luck. Like a bunch of the other comments said, go find something that you enjoy doing and get to know the people there as humans. Talk about your shared interest, about your goals and wants and desires for your life outside of a romantic partner, and ask them about the same. Surprisingly, once you stop treating women like fresh meat on a savannah and actually try to get to know who they are as people, they stop being so freaked out and might actually be interested in getting to know you as a person.
You have to leverage the situation you’re in, but something that works well for me is go climbing gym > compliment someone on their climb > strike conversation > if it goes well, ask for their insta (semi-public info) > slip into DMs (wanna go climbing again?) > make a move
Between each >, it’s obviously only a step you can do if the vibes check, but it’s one example of something that works. Also I won’t lie doing this is a bit difficult, but you get better with practice. It also works great if you go to busy climbing gyms in different places at different times, since you’ll always see new people. Final caveat is I do this for friends, since I’m already dating, but it works the same way to catch a bf/gf
Probably one of the most socially friendly places I recall in recent years was a CrossFit gym. I know people shit in them as being full of cultish twats, and to some extent I won’t argue that, but compared to a standard gym there’s quite a ‘us’ rather than ‘me’ vibe to it. Find those kind of places where people look to support and improve each other rather than show off what they know or can do.
Though I’m about the least socially apt person around one thing that really has stuck out to me, don’t go there with a goal other than to do the thing. If you go with the goal of a date you’re gonna be disappointed, go with the intent of doing what you like instead.
Surprisingly, real world isn’t world of Warcraft, people won’t have marks over their heads indicating something to you
I’ve got news for you. People absolutely mark themselves to make indications for how to interact with them. It’s just that the people who want interactions are usually trying to exploit you one way or another and that conditions is all to stick to our little bubble. Sweet dreams!
They should.
Ever seen a name tag with a logo on it?
In The Metaverse™ they will! (…for a price…)
dating apps are bleak as fuck, yes.
I had a friend who tried the same thing, bars and such. He didn’t try anybody in his friend group and he was more ir less isolated at work, so there was no real pool of people to look into. I suggested getting a cheap seat at the ballpark and he balked saying he didn’t like sports. I told him even if he walked the concourse, there were still folks he could interact with. He ended up finding some girl who was an actual prostitute and got him hooked on drugs.
Ez secks and drugs. That’s better than a relationship.
I suggested getting a cheap seat at the ballpark
He ended up finding some girl who was an actual prostitute and got him hooked on drugs.
Oof
That last line hits like a truck.
she probably looked like one.
Or like cocaine
Wild.
Is he still with the girl tho?
No, once he kicked his heroin habit, he kicked her to the curb.
Back to inceldom then. He should have remained a friend.
Woah that story took a turn I Did not expect
He ended up finding some girl who was an actual prostitute and got him hooked on drugs.
Ireland is the only place where pubs are actual genuine places to meet and chat with strangers. And even then it can be difficult. Came back to France after 13 years and I was just flabbergasted at the difference. Everyone is out with their little group and no one seems to talk with anyone outside that little sphere. Only spot where it’s socially acceptable to engage strangers is the counter itself and that’s about it; and if you do it feels like you’re a freak, honestly. I tried a few times to just meet people that way, and gave up.
Only way that worked for me was joining a hobby or sport or some other group like that. Volleyball got me a job within like two weeks of joining! Couchsurfing got me great friends, girlfriends and eventually my wife.
America in general has become just a hostile place to live and interact in. I think people really underestimate how detrimental to ones mental health living in a country that allows people to own guns is and it’s a rl big tragedy. I think it’s the biggest difference between u.s and other countries and it shows culturally. If we got rid of all guns in the U.S. we would probably win the world cup and no one would even come close.
To be clear… you’re afraid to talk to people because guns exist? If this is true, you may need to speak to someone about this professionally.
Sort of reductive.
Violence is bad in America. People feel it appropriate to start arguments about politics in public with strangers. Those people are allowed to have guns on them and in their cars. An angry person with a gun on their hip is just different.
Thats just as a man too, women deal with worse, and I would argue even have a reason to need a gun themselves in some situations.
Its violent all around here and it comes from regular ass people, like your neighbors.
Dude get off the Internet, real life is not full of violent strangers looking to start arguments. Go outdoors, meet some people, enjoy a nice hobby with them and stop watching internet ragebait
Not what I said but sorry I scared you.
Actually, yeah, if you try to talk to someone’s girlfriend in the wrong place you probably won’t get shot, but you would be in pretty big danger. Violence is extremely prevalent in the u.s.
All I said was that a gun in the room makes everything a little more tense and maybe we should just see how banning them for a year goes and instead of telling why it wouldn’t work you took that as a chance to come at the dude online. What I said just sounds like common sense. But yeah maybe I need to talk to someone and def not the guy targeting people. What a terrible comment.
Are you competing for the Olympic long jump? Because that’s quite a leap, holy shit. What do guns have to do with it? I understand you may have some preoccupations about it that interfere in this way, but most people don’t
It’s really not that big of a leap, guns tense things up. This tenseness leads to more devisive people and less communication comes about. When you think of a gun chances are what comes to mind first isn’t going to be something you want to think about. Now multiply that for the amount of people whose familys been affected from one. That’s alot of bad vibes spreading around, a lot of depressed people not going out. If we can take those thoughts away and replace them with good ones yeah I think we would be better off. Kinda interesting you chose to make this about me when there are many other ways this convo could have gone. Also Australia did it and every one of those fuckers I run into are hilarious and idk if it’s correlated or not but hey maybe let’s just try it out and see.
guns tense things up.
Not typically among people who are regularly exposed to them
When you think of a gun chances are what comes to mind first isn’t going to be something you want to think about.
No, I think of the handgun in my nightstand, my father’s hunting rifle, my cop brother’s electronic gun safe, my friend’s revolver, and my former drug dealer’s shotgun
… a lot of depressed people not going out.
I’ve held that same handgun to my head and contemplated pulling the trigger, and I’m no closer to understanding what you mean by this
If we can take those thoughts away and replace them with good ones yeah I think we would be better off.
Seems like we could accomplish the same with universal gun safety classes/ positive exposure in k-12 (and greater access to no-cost therapy)
Kinda interesting you chose to make this about me when there are many other ways this convo could have gone.
I think you’re in the minority for feeling this way. Just because you’re stating it as if it’s a universal truth doesn’t make it so. It’s a personal feeling you shared- I didn’t make it about you.
Australia did it and every one of those fuckers I run into are hilarious and idk if it’s correlated or not but hey maybe let’s just try it out and see.
You got me there- if it makes everyone funny, that might be worth it
It would be worth. You could of bought a jet ski for the amount you spent on guns and if you have one already, what’s better than one jet ski? Two jet ski’s! And that sounds like a lot more fun than what ever the best thing you’ve accomplished with your hobby is.
Lol, time-share jet ski (ik you’re joking, but jet skis are a lot more expensive than guns)
The way you’re defending them sounds like you’ve invested a whole lot.
I remember when the insurrection happened I thought liberals could no longer deny the absolute need for the working class to remain armed. And I was right, a ton of my blue conservative friends got strapped. But the democratic party doesn’t represent its voters, so why should I be surprised the DNC never changed their position?
Even now as the democrats warn time and again that we are one election away from fascism, they still refuse to drop their anti gun position.
I will not rely on the same cops that violently attack us for my protection. Did you forget the police violence of the George floydd protests? Did you forget about warren vs district of Columbia.
The wheels of justice have always turned so slow, for some not at all. These wheels have now rusted and seized up. The business plot 2.0 is a huge success.
We are on our own. Always has been.
Couchsurfing got me great friends, girlfriends and eventually my wife.
I should totally try that. It’d be like: “Honey? How long is Rolando going to be staying on our couch? He spends all his time on his laptop giggling at that weird website full of communists and furries…” / “I don’t know… Let’s… Let’s set him up with that friend of yours, I bet that’ll get him out of here!”
Idk, I’ve made lots of friends at bars and pubs in the US
That’s good to hear!
Such is life if you don’t follow rule 1&2.
- Be good looking;
- Born rich.
?
- Be attractive
- Don’t be unattractive
*woosh*
choosing signals
Intaresting
Came here to comment that the fact OOP uses language like “choosing signals” is probably the reason women aren’t interested in talking to them.
If you are a man, do not go to bars or clubs alone and expect anything unless you are like, insanely hot or charming. But if you are either of those things you don’t need my advice. Either go with friends or do something more actively social, like a class or outright social group.
Yeah, my experience, too. People hang out with their friends in their friend groups. Just sucks that they don’t seem to mix anymore. Networking doesn’t work if there’s neither opportunity nor interest.
It can be very relaxing to hang without outsiders
Do them same - hang out with your friend group, just have fun and don’t press finding a relationship. You first get to know people through that group and later interest and maybe a relationship forms.
You do realize that in most cases it’s lack of that friends group the whole problem?
Just get a girlfriend and join her friend group. Then after you’ve made enough friends, dump her and then you’ll have your own friends.
Then go with your colleagues or any group for that matter, book a class about something as someone suggested. 90% of life is showing up.
If you’re too disgusting for anyone to have around, work on yourself first (basic hygiene and not being an asshole is usually enough though).
The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth
- Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.
If the mating signal is a flare, the gay bar is a fireworks show.
“Do not give off mating signals unless you are given mating signals” how is that gonna work if nobody is supposed to initiate anything?
That’s…not what they wrote
Bruh just find a group activity - fuck I don’t know, instead of paying $30 for a beer, take a painting class or something…
… Have you gone to a painting class? It’s only couples
or something
You can pick whatever you want. It’s almost like everyone likes something different and there’s no one answer for finding a romantic partner.
B i n g o
Bingo works, but it’s an older crowd.
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Bro, I’m sure one of them want a third.
Hey, my wife and I noticed you from across the canvas and just really like your vibe.
Goals
The local city reddit/discord is gonna have regular hangouts if your city is big enough. That’s been my go-to starting point everytime I move.
I managed to get an in-person DND group going by visiting the local game store. There’s also the other card / roleplay games available too.
Depending on your age, there’s also the local college groups. You could join a cycling group, or a running geoup. Hell, the queer group in my town has a first Sunday coffee meetup.
It’s easy to shut down any suggestions but damn, if all you ever do is naysay shit, then you’re never gonna get anywhere. Do you want to find friends and romantic partners, or do you want to spend your time crapping on online dating?
The local city reddit/discord is gonna have regular hangouts if your city is big enough.
The problem with that is you’re going to meet reddit/discord people that way.
For what it’s worth, r/Bogota has never had those - and if it had, it would be just incels living with their mommy who barely know their own neighborhood. It’s ridiculous how they’re so detached from the reality of our city and country.
I went to a Reddit meet up in 2012 and never went back. Was way too nerdy for me. I presume that’s changed though as the site grew so much since then. But I still wouldn’t go cuz fuck Reddit
I’m not your mother, be creative and come up with a better idea 🤝
Get a part time job at Hobby Lobby or Michele’s. Those places ooze dating-type single woman vibes. There were many things I needed for various projects that have only been locally available from these stores. I get a ton of looks going in there, and I’m like the most oblivious of dudes for that kind of attention.
Manager: “Why do you want to work here?”
Dude: “Trying to bang a co-worker.”
Manager: “At least you’re not just here for the paycheck. Welcome aboard!”
Single experienced woman who can take their teeth out 😏
Who doesn’t like a good gummie?
Skip Hobby Lobby since their health care doesn’t include abortions.
Or even birth control
Just did a class and I was the only guy in it.
It was a welding class.
… Maybe choose floristry next time?
Studied electronic engineering for two years - the group I went in was like 111 dudes and 7 girls. Some dudes enrolled in electives from faculties like nursery or dentistry because the boys/girls ratio there was inversely proportional as in our faculty.
Do electrical engineer with renewable or environmental focus and you’ll have a more even ratio.
When I was growing up, my dad gave me a hard time because I wasn’t very manly. The funny thing is that all the stuff I like is as manly as things get, in the sense that very few women have any interest in it. Too bad I’m not gay. It’s not PC to say this, but I think I would have been happier if I was.
Lame
Church events work fine, too. My buddy and me went to one in a damp basement and it was about 30 people. 100% women. Average age about 22 I guess. All were dancing. They all immediately started staring at us as if we were edible. Within the hour, my buddy met what would soon become his GF, and I was approached by this amazing girl. I then went on a string of remarkable dates with her.
The kicker: It was a Christian event, but the girls we hooked up with weren’t Christians at all.ikr a lot of people go to Church events for “safer” socializing, even if they only attend the services on Christmas and Easter if that. If you’re Catholic or Orthodox, it’s more like a cultural thing. (this may vary by area. Also it’s not really safer, but your grandmother will say it is.)
Legit though, why be rude to a fellow for rolling up politely as a dude? Like, if he’s hitting on you and it isn’t welcome, you tell them up bugger off politely. But just someone looking for some conversation? Man, I actually dislike strangers in general, I’ve got PTSD issues. But I still wouldn’t automatically push the guy away without a solid explanation. And I’m actually known for being blunt about things in public. But when you go to some places, including bars, there’s an assumption that it’s a shared space and you treat other people as well as they’ll allow.
Like, if you aren’t willing to be polite and at least explain why a stranger isn’t welcome in your group, maybe a bar isn’t the best place to meet up? Nobody is obligated to welcome them in with open arms if they don’t want to, but you do it nicely because that’s a fellow human being trying to be social and friendly. You say, “hey man, sorry, this is an in group situation, we’re here as an established group doing our thing.” You don’t dis them, you don’t act like they’re bad for looking at you and your group and thinking “maybe those dudes could be cool to hang with”. That’s a good thing if someone thinks you and your crew are interesting.
I dunno, maybe I’m fucking weird, but as much as I hate crowded places, and dislike random contact, I can’t think of a single time where I would have rejected someone without a friendly explanation why.
We gotta be better to each other. We don’t all hang the be friends, but we can be nice about it, can’t we?
This dude is clearly looking to get laid and I bet it’s very clear from the way he approaches people. You’re assuming they aren’t creeping.
Yeah, but it’s most likely that he’s looking to get laid by women, the word choices and way the text is written point to the writer being hetero, with the men he was talking to being for companionship.
But, yeah, I’m assuming good intentions overall. Looking to get laid isn’t inherently bad, for one thing. Nor is trying to find someone to date. Creeping implies they’re being crude about it, or otherwise behaving in an inappropriate manner. Well, that’s the main usage of the slang term. So, my base assumption is that someone writing something like that is no worse than any idiot teenager or young adult with poor social skills.
When that’s the case, there’s no reason to be rude or dismissive to them, you can still be nice about it. Hell, even if they are creeping, you stand a better chance of some minor degree of giving them an example of how they should behave by being nice.
As much as I hate people, and gods do I, if we fall into the trap of defaulting to believing the worst and acting on it with everyone, shit breaks down. It may seem like an oxymoron, but compassionate misanthropy is possible. You can believe people are assholes in general, and still act based on the chance that they’re not, simply by assuming that malice isn’t involved.
Yes you definitely have a point, I guess it would be better to assume the best and show compassion. I think it’s just more difficult when creepieness becomes danger.
So the girl is wrong for not wanting to be sexually objectified by a random stranger…? If you knew how much women are harrassed and objectified all the god damn time when going out, you would know that being polite to these guys only sends them the wrong signals and makes them think that you are interested and they have a chance, and will make things worse. The core problem with these incel guys is that they feel totally entitled to a womans body and attention. They aren’t! Yes everyone deserves a happy and healthy relationship with others and social connections, but these guys are so bitter that they literally think spending 30 dollars on a beer should give them access to a girl. If they would genuinely want to just have a conversation with them he wouldn’t have drawn the conclusion that he stated at the end. He wouldn’t have to feel that rejected. It’s because he was there especially to find a girl to date, that the girl couldn’t live up to his expectations.
Women aren’t objects to obtain or fuck. And honestly most women get harrassed and stalked and get unwanted attention from men so much that they sense the intentions of these guys immediately.
See, you’re stuck in a bad place.
You not only assume that the person in the text is a bad person, but that I’m also thinking the way you seem to think is the default.
Look, go back and reread what I wrote while assuming the best. That I’m looking at the text with compassion and the goal of not fucking with someone.
Then go back to the original text and look at it without the assumption that the person is acting badly. Look at it with compassion, with the assumption that they don’t know how to interact with people yet. Or look at it from the perspective I wrote from, that if someone approaches your group in a public place, that maybe being nice, being gentle is the way we’re supposed to start out.
You do realize I didn’t mention anything about women needing to be polite to someone hitting on them, right? I mean, the very first line of the comment you’re responding to says “legit though, why be rude to a fellow for rolling up politely as a dude”. That sets the framework for the perspective of the comment. It’s a dude talking about how to treat other dudes that approach your group in public.
We’re talking about two separate things, or that’s my base assumption in this response. That you aren’t just ranting about something random and didn’t read the comment, but that you just missed the first line, or that I didn’t phrase it well enough, and need to explain it better.
See what I mean though? You didn’t even come at this neutrally, you started off with putting words in my mouth (or on my screen, I guess), and I’m still here trying to assume the best instead of just blocking you because you’re off on your own tangent that doesn’t respond to what I actually wrote. I’m being direct, but I’m still (so far) being nice about it instead of just blasting you or otherwise forgetting that you’re human and can make mistakes without intending to be a jerk.
You’re right, I didn’t come at this neutrally. I didn’t get that you were talking from the perspective of being a guy, sorry. I respect that you still try to assume good intentions and you’re right that it will probably get you further than assuming the worst about people. I might have been talking about a different point than you, but my view on that is still the same. I just do not think the guy in question had other intentions than to pick up a girl and I do not agree with his conclusion at the end. The whole concept of the incel mentality is just frustrating to me and I have no idea how to handle that. And yes you’re right, that if the guys were a bit more elaborate on why dude was in the wrong they could’ve helped the dude. I mean he probably doesn’t have friends in the first place which makes it even worse to try and talk to people.
Oh, I’m with you there! Women being treated like not only is their presence permission to hit on them, but that they have to accept it or end up the target of abuse is way out of hand.
A lot of it comes from a lack of guidance, imo. Back in my youth, the shit that was in movies and on TV perpetuated the whole persistence model of romance, and young men never got told that it was not realistic. I knew so many boys and young men that genuinely thought they had to be aggressive (as opposed to just presenting themselves) because there was the idea that women want that. And, yeah some people do value aggression and persistence in their idea of romance, but it’s far from the majority.
It seems that there’s still that false perception, and the only real way to counter it is genuine, direct guidance for people before they internalize it. We gotta teach our kids both directly by explaining what is and isn’t acceptable, and by living that example. For adults, it’s similar. We gotta be direct about explaining to other men (and even women to women) that it just isn’t okay to treat people like a goal, a piece of meat.
So, yeah, I feel you there. The incel as a social phenomenon has to be countered whenever possible. We just can’t let it fester
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I’m part of a social activity meetup group that also does a bit of volunteer stuff for folks In need. I’m already with someone but I’ve watched people meet and pair off in that group several times. It happens.
If you smell shit everywhere you go, check your shoes.
“I do a lot of really cool stuff with fun people maybe the problem is YOU FUCKING SUCK FIX YOURSELF”
With a reaction like that I would say yes, you need to pay some attention to yourself. By the way, a lot of that “cool stuff” is very ordinary shit like trivia night at a local sports bar.
You sound like you have a skill issue.
It’s actually kind of reductive. Maybe this person has just been unlucky when they have tried to meet friends? Then they read a highly voted comment “Maybe the problem is YOU!” and then they just get down on themselves. I feel like the better advice is “keep trying, cause building deep relationships is hard and actually a lot more rare than people think”.
This but unironically, everyone should fix themselves
Yeah, I wouldn’t recommend a bar either. Try taking a class, joining some sort of athletic thing (jogging, cycling, yoga) volunteering somewhere. Go to a place where you’re doing an activity with a group, and the focus isn’t dating. Takes the pressure off and allows for getting to know people naturally.
And, the important second part to that, is to join a club without looking to date. Men (and very occasionally women) who join clubs or teams or whatever with dating as the first priority smell like desperation and end up making the experience worse for everyone, including themselves.
